“No, I’m planning to do something else,” she said vaguely. She wasn’t ready to tell her about Hamish yet. She thought Lara might object to the age difference, or think it was happening too quickly. But she felt right about it, and didn’t want to have to justify it to her.
“I’m sorry your father is being so unreasonable.”
“So am I, but that’s not new. He’s never been able to separate me from my mother in his mind. I realize that now. I never had a chance with him. Being in a movie is just another excuse. And Hamish just offered me a supporting role in his next movie. He thinks I have talent.” She sounded tired. It depressed her to think about her father, and how viciously he had rejected her. Before he had been indifferent and cold. Now he was aggressively hostile to her.
“Is that what you want?” Lara asked her. She knew how much Antonia had never wanted an acting career, and only wanted to write screenplays. This was a radical departure for her.
“He says I’ll be a better writer and director one day if I’ve had some experience in front of the cameras too. I won’t do it again if I don’t like it. He’s a brilliant director and maybe I’ll learn something from it. But my long-term goals haven’t changed.” Lara was happy to hear it and thought she had real writing talent. “What about you? Are you okay with my dad?” He was much kinder to his wife than he was to his daughter, but there was a hardness to him that they both recognized. Antonia didn’t see how Lara could love him anyway.
“He’s not easy, and he’s getting harder as he gets older. He’s still so bitter about your mother.”
“He’ll carry that torch forever,” Antonia said coldly. It had burned them all. Even Lara, and she didn’t deserve it either.
“We’re trying to work things out,” Lara said quietly, but she didn’t feel the same way about him that she used to, ever since he had lowered the boom on Antonia and shut the door on her. Antonia wondered if Lara would ever leave him, but didn’t want to ask, maybe she didn’t even know herself, but she’d had ample proof now of just how unkind and unfeeling he could be, and it was not unique to his relationship with his daughter. There were times when he was harsh with Lara too. She was sorry that Antonia had to go through it, and she did her best to make up for it. But you couldn’t replace a mother and a father, and Antonia had been unlucky with both. Lara understood now that it was why she had been so shy as a child, always hiding, fearful, desperate to remain unseen and unnoticed. She had been damaged by them, and nothing could make up for it, not even a loving stepmother, although she had tried.
They had lunch before her school vacation started, and exchanged Christmas gifts. Lara was always generous with her. Antonia had bought Lara a leather varsity jacket in the NYU colors of violet and white, since Lara loved purple. She said she’d wear it proudly, and she’d gotten her a fun sweater to go with it. Lara had bought Antonia a short black Alaia dress she loved that fit her perfectly. She still didn’t mention Hamish. She wanted to keep it to herself for a while. Their relationship was something very precious and fragile that she wanted to protect for as long as she could. She had only told Jake about it, and he was happy for her, although he didn’t like the age difference. He realized that she was probably looking for a father, and Hamish was good to her. Jake had gotten serious about the girl he was seeing too. He was planning to stay in New York to audition for acting jobs after he graduated. Their plans for the future were taking shape. And now all of hers included Hamish, and there was no doubt that he would further her film career, which wasn’t why she loved him, but it couldn’t hurt, and he had promised to help her, whatever direction she took.
The only thing Jake didn’t like was that he thought she was agreeing to try acting in order to please Hamish, not from any desire of her own. Jake would have given anything for a part in one of his movies, but he never asked her. He didn’t want to exploit their friendship. He hoped he’d get to meet Hamish, and was sure he would if their romance continued. He never pressed Antonia about it, he respected her too much to do that, and he wanted to protect her too, since no one ever had in her entire lifetime. He hoped that Hamish would now, and in that sense, maybe a father figure, and a man of his age, was the right thing for her. He hoped so. He hated the thought of her getting hurt again, and she was an innocent in matters of the heart. At twenty-one, she was still a virgin, which Hamish had realized too.