They buried him at Highgate Cemetery on Swain’s Lane, and afterward hundreds of people came to the house to drink and cry and talk about him. Hamish’s brothers went back to Amsterdam and Madrid, where they lived.
Lara took her upstairs to lie down after two hours of it. Antonia looked like she was going to collapse at any moment. She had confided to Lara that she was pregnant. It was another reason why he couldn’t possibly be dead. He couldn’t be dead if she was going to have his baby. And Dash needed him and so did she.
It took a week for it to sink in, and the decision the producers had made was that they had to finish shooting the movie. They were about halfway through by then.
Both assistant directors were talented, experienced professionals. They didn’t have Hamish’s touch, but they had worked with him for long enough that they knew what he would have wanted, and were capable of taking over for the rest of the film.
Antonia had to go back to the set a week after the funeral. They shot around her until then, to give her a few extra days at home. She didn’t bring the baby back to the set, since she had stopped nursing him. Lara had to go back to New York to her office, and Fred stayed for another week to make sure she was all right. But she knew that she would never be all right again. How could she be without him? He had made everything right in her life.
The cast had to draw on all their acting abilities not to let the rest of the filming be too mournful. They had to dredge up laughter and smiles and sex scenes and passion. They had to look normal, and finish a film that would do Hamish honor. The producers had already said that the film would be dedicated to him, which was small consolation to Antonia. She didn’t want a film as a monument to him. She wanted her husband, and Dash’s father. Hamish was the only person who had ever taken care of her, and now he was gone.
She had no idea how she did it, but she finished the movie with the others. There was no celebration when they wrapped. They all quietly drifted away and were crying and subdued when they said goodbye to one another. It had been the saddest set they’d ever been on, and once it was over, and post-production was being handled by other people, Antonia’s life stopped completely.
It was June by then. They celebrated Dash’s first birthday, just Antonia, Hamish’s assistants, and the nanny who had stayed to help her.
Her pregnancy was visible by then, and Hamish’s assistants were handling all the paperwork involved with his estate. He had handled his affairs responsibly, and had left most of what he had to Antonia, with a large portion of his estate to their son, to be divided equally if there was another child or children in utero or alive by the time he died. So he had protected their unborn child too. He had protected everything and everyone, except himself from the flock of birds that had killed him, and a damn helicopter. Antonia was torn between rage, despair, and fury that fate had betrayed her and stolen her husband from her fifty years before his time. But rage did no good. It didn’t change anything.
They finished the film and she knew she’d never see it. She couldn’t. And when Fred came to see her again, to check on her, she told him what he was afraid she would, when he mentioned her doing another movie sometime. She looked him straight in the eye immediately.
“I’m not doing any more movies, Fred. Not as an actress. My acting career is over. I did it for Hamish. Maybe I really will write a screenplay, but I couldn’t do this again. It was what he wanted. I did it for him. That movie was the last one you’ll ever see me in. I hope you’ll handle my work one day as a screenwriter or director too.”
“Of course, but he was right about your acting, you know. You are phenomenal. You have real talent. It would be a shame to bury that with him.”
“I can’t do it. I couldn’t. I have no reason to.” He hoped she would change her mind later, but he didn’t argue with her. It was much too soon to push her about the future. It would have been cruel. She was in no condition to think about her future or her career. And by then she was six months pregnant. She had survived the summer without Hamish. But she had a whole lifetime ahead of her. He had been gone for four months, the longest four months of her life. She couldn’t imagine having another baby without him. It was a final gift from him, but she was going to be a widow with two children at the age of twenty-five.
* * *
—
When Lara got back from London, after being with Antonia for a couple weeks, Brandon called her at her office. She was surprised to hear from him. Their divorce papers had been filed, and it was due to be final in a few months. There was nothing left to discuss. From Lara’s point of view, it was eight wasted years, with nothing to show for it except her warm relationship with Antonia, which was a bonus and the only thing of value to come from the marriage.