‘Thought Nesbit might need some cheering up today, so we decided to reply to the party invitation in person.’
‘You remembered?’
He managed to frown and smile at the same time. ‘Of course I did. I’d have come earlier, but we had another forest fire.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ The floodgate burst as a fresh wave of sobbing shook my shoulders.
‘It’s okay, no one was hurt. Maybe a couple of singed insects, but we handled it.’ He stepped forwards, stopping a couple of feet away so that it was up to me what happened next. ‘If I ask if you want a hug will you run away from me again?’
I gave a watery laugh. ‘A hug would be really nice, thank you.’
‘Purely platonic, of course,’ he added, wrapping me up in his arms.
Speak for yourself, I couldn’t help thinking, buried against his chest, my forehead resting in the dip above his collarbone. His warm, earthy scent had become so familiar, it was like coming home.
Sam suggested fish and chips. ‘It’s high time you had a proper tour of Bigley,’ he said as we strolled back towards the village, the dogs crashing about in the undergrowth beside us.
‘I’ve lived here for over three months; I know my way around.’
Sam shook his head in mock disgust. ‘You know the shops and the library. The dog park. You’ve not scratched the surface of the real Bigley Bottom.’
‘It’s a village less than a mile long, and half as wide.’
‘Yes, but what about its hidden depths?’ He raised one eyebrow, trying and failing to appear mysterious. ‘Or should I say, hidden bottom.’
When he looked at me sideways like that, one side of his mouth curled up in invitation, I had to wonder why I was bothering to argue.
The tour of Bigley’s hidden bottom turned out to consist of Sam’s old primary school, where we sneaked through a gap in the fence at the back of the enormous playing field that all the kids knew about and the teachers pretended not to, despite half of them having gone to that school themselves. Sam proudly showed me where he’d had his first kiss, promptly followed by his first punch in the face, because back then he’d not yet learnt to ask permission first.
‘Speaking of kisses…’ he said, jabbing at his haddock with the wooden fork. ‘I owe you an apology.’
I kept my eyes on my chips, trying to ignore the flutter in my belly. We were sitting side by side on the grass, and I was suddenly hyper-aware of his arm, only inches away from mine. ‘No, I’m the one who needs to say sorry. It was rude to leave you standing there.’
‘You’ve been completely upfront about your commitment to stay single until your list is completed. I disrespected that, and you, by what I said.’
I nodded. Not that I agreed with him, but it was easier than trying to speak.
‘I’d have felt terrible if you’d broken your promise, because of me. I…’ He paused, shaking his head slightly before quickly glancing over. ‘If I’m being honest, I got carried away, with the music and the wine, and everything so beautiful in the starlight.’ He pulled a wry smile. ‘That’s not completely true. It was you. You looked so beautiful. I mean… you always look… you are beautiful. I knew you weren’t interested in anything more than friendship, but it felt like… I thought that… there was something there. With us. That it wasn’t just me. Which was clearly wishful thinking, probably helped along by Ebenezer’s wine. So like I said, I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.’
I really hoped Sam couldn’t tell how disappointing that felt. Even as I knew it was the only way to avoid far greater disappointment later on.
‘Thank you. Apology accepted.’ I took a deep breath, and in the safety of the evening shadows, it felt easier to appease his guilt with some honesty of my own. ‘And it wasn’t wishful thinking. I felt it too.’
His head jerked up, with a look of utter surprise. I hurried to get the rest of my words out. ‘But I wouldn’t have kissed you, even if I’d finished the Dream List. The whole point of it was to learn how to be my own person, to be content with my life so one day I can share that with someone else. While I’ve realised I don’t need a committed relationship in order to be happy or complete, I’ve also realised that I do want one. I’m a “not yet” when it comes to falling in love. You’re a “never”。 I really like you, Sam, but I’m not interested in casual dating or some sort of friends with benefits thing that’s not going anywhere.’