“It’s nothing,” I reply and sniff loudly, turning away from Kate. “I’m just a big, dumb idiot.”
“Hey, I’m President of the big, dumb, idiot club and I haven’t seen you at our meetings,” Kate says, walking over and rubbing my back as she wipes a tear off my face. “What’s going on?”
I lick my lips and shake my head. “I just…really screwed things up with a guy I’ve been seeing.”
“Max?”
My face contorts at her guessing him. “Um…how would you—”
“Okay, full disclosure, I know you guys are a thing,” Kate blurts, a guilty look on her face. “Max told Dean. Dean told me. I told Lynsey. Lynsey told Josh. Miles and Norah are in on this telephone game…so yeah…we all knew you guys were banging.”
“Jeez,” I groan in mortification.
“But it’s not just sex anymore, right? You guys were like…dating and stuff?”
I exhale heavily. “Yes…were being the operative word. I ended it last weekend.”
“Why? What happened?”
I shrug dismissively. “I found out his company was merging with my former horrible company, and I freaked out. It triggered me in the most horrific way. Then he told me he was in love with me, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back! I mean, when Max and I were just lusting after each other and dating in secret, it was fun and exciting. There wasn’t any pressure yet. Then he dropped the love bomb and suddenly, I felt weak and unsafe, just like I felt as an employee under that asshole, Jenson Hunsberger. It’s like I could see myself on the floor of my former office all over again. Letting Max love me means my mental health is at the mercy of another man in power. That is way too scary of a thought for me. Romantically or in business, I’m terrified of being hurt again.”
“Of course you are, you had a fucking stroke,” Kate confirms bluntly, her tone fiercely supportive. “A stroke is going to fuck with any one of us for a while.”
“Which is why I had to end it. He deserves to find someone who’s stronger than me. Someone who can handle his corporate lifestyle and the inevitable assholes that come with that territory…like my former boss. He deserves to find someone strong enough to love him back without fear of everything falling apart.” My chest aches at the idea of him opening his heart to someone else. He has so much to offer a woman and I just happened to be the willy-nilly hot mess that stumbled into his boardroom.
“You think there’s a woman stronger than the one who made me five cocktuterie boards in a week?” Kate deadpans. “No such woman exists. She would be a fearsome thing to behold, though.”
I groan in frustration. “These boards are different. I feel safe here. I do not feel safe with Max. I feel like I could be swallowed whole by him and lose sight of all that I’ve fought to gain back in my life.”
“I think you’re forgetting one very important fact, Cozy.” Kate lifts her eyebrows meaningfully as her face grows serious. “Being vulnerable only makes you weak if you’re around predators. Being vulnerable with someone good and decent like Max can make you fiercely strong. Miles and Tucker make me feel like I could move mountains. They motivate me to crush my goals and go after my dreams. I want to make them proud, whether it’s opening a charity bookstore or just throwing in a frozen pizza. I live for them.”
I inhale sharply as the words I said in Max’s kitchen hit me out of nowhere. “You’ve inspired me to start dreaming again.”
I glance over at the worktable full of cocks—a strange sign of love and strength, but not entirely off brand for this stage in my crazy life.
And I have to admit, the idea of living for someone other than myself for once feels…comforting. I was so isolated and alone in Denver. Maybe Kate’s right and a good partner can help with your stress, not add to it. Maybe I’m a fucking idiot who has learned nothing from my near-death experience and has destined myself to a life of solace because I was too afraid to see what was really in my heart.
My voice is soft when I ask, “What if I’m not strong enough to risk myself, Kate?”
“You’re a survivor, Cozy. And survivors are some of the strongest people I know.”
“We wrapped early!” Jessica exclaims into the phone Monday morning as I drive to Denver for my meeting with the board. “Momma is coming home!”
“Shit, really?” I ask with my brows furrowed. “Like when?”