“I’m having a really hard time,” she said. “You didn’t even come to the celebration of life!”
“I’m sorry, Jess. We had an emergency. I was at the hospital until just a little while ago.”
“What kind of emergency?”
“Femur and lots of other things. Car accident.”
“Were you on call?”
“I was on call until noon, but the injury came in right as I was getting ready to leave so I handled it. It was pretty complicated and I wasn’t the only surgeon there. More than one of us was needed—head, spleen and femur. It was bad.”
“You could have at least called!”
“I’m calling you now!”
“You could have sent flowers or something.”
“I was going to come but I had an emergency!”
“I really needed you!”
“Jess! Stop or I’ll just hang up! You’re doing it again!”
She didn’t know why this happened to her, why she got so angry and defensive and caustic when all she wanted in the world was Jason’s soft, sweet voice, the one he used to calm patients and soothe their families. Better would be his arms around her, comforting her. She just wanted everything to be all right. She wanted to feel safe and protected and given a guarantee that nothing would fall apart.
“Sorry,” she said. “I’m just having such a hard time.”
“Listen, you should think about talking to someone. Sometimes you push people away. You have this damn short fuse and sometimes there’s no explanation for it. I told you I had to work. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you but we broke up. Remember? And why did we break up? Because I can’t deal with your temper. No one can ever do enough.”
“I said I was sorry! You’d think you could afford me a little extra patience since my father just died!”
There was silence. A long moment that stretched out. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Jessie. Find some support. I’ll check on you in a few weeks.”
“A few weeks? Can’t you even say, If there’s anything I can do...? Because I can think of about twenty things you could actually do! A few weeks? Where is the love, Jason? You could at least—”
But he was gone. She’d done it again. Some devil inside of her caused her to lash out and drive away any offer of affection. She always felt a little hungry, as if the portion she was fed was just not enough. If she had dinner with a friend, she’d want to go clubbing afterward, then maybe stop off for a nightcap, then make plans for the next night or at least the next weekend. Because it was never enough.
And now her dad, her hero, was gone and she didn’t know how she’d live without him. His love, his praise, sustained her. Her mother constantly let her down by being busy all the time. You’d think that Jessie, being one of three internists in a San Francisco office, would understand being busy, but then she didn’t have a husband and three children as well as a demanding job. Besides, Mike and Bess took up a lot of Anna’s attention and Jessie often felt left out. If she was honest, even if Anna gave Jessie all her attention, it might not be enough.
So she cried and cried. Why didn’t Jason come back to her, to love her and be devoted to her. She’d been so happy.
But had she? She couldn’t remember any longer. It seemed she’d been very happy but too briefly. Maybe she should talk to someone. And say what? That no one loved her? It was too bleak to even think about.
Anna thought the most difficult and grievous part of getting her life back on track was probably going through her husband’s personal belongings and letting them go. That, she thought, would dredge up feelings of loss and saying a painful goodbye, but through the whole process she was as dry as a bone. She dreaded the paperwork of becoming the single adult in a formerly coupled household—the death certificates mailed to everyone from the insurance carrier to the Department of Motor Vehicles, having the house put in her name alone and closing bank accounts.
She couldn’t have been more wrong. All of that took her a couple of weeks and the first of May was on the horizon. The worst part came as a complete surprise. Her attorney informed her, “The will you have in your possession is not Chad’s most recent will.”
“What?” she said, sure she had misheard him.
“Chad updated his will a few months ago and made a couple of changes.”
“Without saying anything to me?” she asked, gobsmacked.
“His changes don’t affect you monetarily.”