Chad came from an entirely different kind of family, a stable, upper-middle-class family. His parents funded his undergrad education; he went to good schools and they lived in an upper-class neighborhood. She thought the rest of her life would be safe and secure; she thought she was building the kind of family she had always longed for. The kind of family he had come from. Then his mother had said, “If you don’t put your marriage to my son back together so he can be with his children, don’t expect any help from me!”
She had worked and supported him while he finished his PhD; he worked part-time while he finished his degree, which set him up for a long and distinguished career as a therapist. At the time it had been all she had ever dreamed of—a spouse who was kind and helped people. A husband with a strong moral compass. There was nothing more she longed for.
“Michael was a baby when I learned of Chad’s affair...”
“How?” Joe asked.
“I suspected because of odd phone calls, because Chad was gone or missing at odd times, and I did the unthinkable thing—I snooped through his personal papers and confronted him. Chad admitted he was seeing a woman. It turned out to be one of the clients of the counseling institute where he was working. It was the first time I felt my future and the future of my children was threatened and I lost it. I was so angry and hurt I wanted to kill him. It was right during that time I was on maternity leave and I planned to go back to work. And suddenly we were talking divorce.”
“But you didn’t even separate,” Joe said.
“We couldn’t afford to,” she said. “We were getting a lot of pressure from my mother and Chad’s parents to get counseling, to try to work it out for the sake of the kids, but that wasn’t what did it. It was the advice of a partner in the law firm where I worked. He was a man in his fifties, a former cop and married for the third time himself. He said, ‘You will never be happy, married or single, as long as you cling to this fantasy that some man will rescue you and make you safe and secure. Make yourself safe and secure. It’s the only way you’ll really feel that way. It’s the only way you can really protect your children. In the end you will see that no matter who you’re married to, you are responsible for your own happiness or security, two things no one can give you.’”
She fought that advice for a while. She wanted to believe the right man would do the trick. If only she could find a man who had that strength of commitment, one who could be trusted, one who wouldn’t stray. One who didn’t have a weak character.
“I began to study for the LSAT right away. I got a lot of help and support from the partners in the firm. I had mentors there, and even though they didn’t know all the details of my personal life, they encouraged me to build my confidence and independence and form a strong career in law. As months turned into years, I did get stronger and more determined. Everything evolved from that point. I kept working as much as possible—the firm had work I could do part-time while I was in school. I helped with depositions, filings, document prep and research. In retrospect, I don’t know how I made it.”
It was during law school combined with her job in the law office that she stumbled upon her specialty and cases that involved domestic violence. After law school during her time in the district attorney’s office, she prosecuted batterers, and later, in private practice, she spent as much time as possible helping the victims of battery domestic. Defending women who had been accused of assault when they relied on self-defense to save their or their children’s lives was her specialty. She had become a well-known advocate for battered women.
“And then there was Bess after you put your marriage back together,” Joe said.
“Not exactly,” she said. “Not that simply. There hadn’t been much affection between us for a few years. But Chad did spend as much time as possible helping with the kids and the house. First of all, his schedule was not as demanding as mine, and second, he seemed to genuinely want to save the marriage. I still ask myself why. I never had the impression it was love. I never had the sense I was chosen. More to the point, I never had the sense he’d forsaken all others.
“Bess was a surprise. I might have been exhausted and needy. I might have decided I didn’t have any fight left in me. Most likely I decided I didn’t care anymore. Bess was a lucky accident. Not only did she focus me, I was stronger and I could accept the life I had as better than most. It was, you know. It was better than most people get. But after Chad stepped outside our marriage, I was no longer in love with him. I liked him. I knew exactly how to get along with him and make the most of what we had. I think I grew to love him again, I’m not entirely sure. It was all about the five of us, holding our family together because there’s strength in numbers.”