“You seemed to be in love,” Joe said.
“I never trusted him again. I also never looked too closely at what he was doing or how he spent his time, afraid of what I might find. I might have found out about his daughter sooner if I had.”
“If I hadn’t been so busy with my own marital problems I might’ve noticed,” he said. “But I didn’t.”
“The great irony is, he did exactly what my biological father did. My mother had a fling with a married man and he stayed with his family. I never knew him. I mean, I knew who he was later on, after I was married. I don’t know how his marriage and family turned out but he didn’t help out like Chad apparently did. Isn’t that weird? The same set of circumstances?”
“You stayed a long time for a woman who had no trust and very little love.”
“While I might not have looked too closely, Chad was a good partner. Until just lately. As I told you, a few months before the accident he started to complain of not being happy enough. He said his life was unfulfilling. He was missing something. I was furious, hearing that! After I’d made the commitment to stay despite the imperfections, he had a nerve! That’s why I suspected an affair.” She laughed hollowly. “When I saw her at the service, I thought his pregnant daughter might’ve been his mistress.”
“And he was a good father, in spite of his shortcomings,” Joe said.
“His children loved him very much,” she said. “I suppose I have to tell them...”
“Do you?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “God knows I don’t want to.”
“Why? Are you worried about how it’s going to make them see their father?”
“No. I’m worried about how it’s going to make them see me.”
Anna and Joe talked for a long time, through at least three glasses of wine each and some Thai takeout. Anna told him she had always seen her life and her marriage as fairly simple. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but compared to the relationships some of her clients struggled with, hers was uncomplicated by comparison. She knew Chad well; she knew exactly what she could trust. And she knew exactly what she didn’t want to know.
She didn’t want to know just how unfaithful he had been because that would inevitably lead to just how little he valued their relationship. Their marriage. Before Bess was conceived, while they were still knocking around the idea of divorce, Chad continued to praise her, but he didn’t tell her he loved her. She would ask him from time to time and he would answer, “Of course I love you, Anna. I will always love you. You’re the mother of my children.”
She had been asking herself for more than twenty years if that was a compliment or more the lesser of evils.
Joe’s expression changed slightly when she said that. “What?” she asked. “Why did you suddenly look uncomfortable?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “What a bastard,” he said. “You were the wronged party and he didn’t do much to make you feel vindicated.”
“From that time on I always suspected I was just one of many. He might not have been sleeping with many women, I’ll never really know. But you know Chad. He was a flirt and a man who thrived on the attention he got from women.”
“That much is true,” Joe said. “Who among us hasn’t been guilty of that? You don’t have to answer, but did you take a lover?”
She just shook her head. “I took a career.”
And no ordinary career. She became a popular talk show guest and experienced expert witness. Eventually, she was appointed to a superior court justice position. Her honor.
Chad became quite well-known in the city, having done a great deal to support charities. And Anna became well-known for her position as a judge whose verdicts were thoughtful and fair.
It was after ten when Anna reclined on the couch and nodded off. She was vaguely aware of Joe covering her with a throw, which she pulled around herself as she yielded to sleep. In the early predawn, the house dark but for a stove light in the kitchen, she rose, found her sweater and purse and set about leaving. After a visit to the bathroom, she went to the kitchen and began scribbling a note on the notepad that listed eggs, bread, mayo and laundry detergent.
“You’re leaving?” Joe asked from the shadows.
She jumped. “Oh! Did I wake you?”
“Not really. I heard you moving around. You’re leaving?”
“I thought I’d go home, curl up in my own bed.”