So why break up? It was complicated but he knew what his relationship with Jenn meant he should do. He should ignore his feelings of fear and inadequacy, propose, marry her and they should settle into the life where they had so much in common and have a family together. They would be so happy, teaching and enjoying life in a friendly little northern California town.
But the thought terrified him and he felt frozen. Ever since his father died he was suddenly afraid of being a husband and father. He’d never measure up to the kind of man his father had been. Chad McNichol was always wise, always kind and funny and supportive. And what if, like his father, he brought children into the world and then died? They would feel as bereft and lost as he was feeling and that would be a tragedy. Better to not go there if he couldn’t perform. From what he was feeling now, he couldn’t hold a candle to the kind of father he’d had.
He heard his front door opening. Jenn used pot holders to carry the hot glass baking dish into his apartment. There was a bag on the ground behind her. She was all smiles, her cheeks a little pink from cooking and her eyes bright in anticipation of seeing him. “Michael, grab that bag, will you please?”
“What’s in here?” he asked, grabbing the bag by its handles.
“Sour cream, salsa, chips, avocado, a couple of extra tortillas. Hungry?”
He put the bag on the counter and reached a hand into the soft curling hair that fell over her shoulder. She turned her head and kissed his palm.
“Let’s put the enchiladas in the oven to stay warm and have a glass of wine,” he said.
“Wonderful.” She got the glasses while he got the wine. They were equally comfortable in each other’s apartments and spent the night together several times a week. Until Michael’s father passed away. Since then it had been less frequent.
They sat at the small, round dining table in front of the window. In Michael’s apartment there was actually a view of the courtyard and pool area rather than another building or a parking lot. Jenn had no view whatsoever; she occupied a small one-bedroom with windows that looked straight at a brick wall that belonged to her neighbors. She had suggested a couple of times that they could pool their resources and look for something a little nicer. He had just said, “Maybe.”
“Listen, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Things between us have been pretty strained since my dad died. It’s not your fault, but we can’t ignore the fact that we’re not as good as we were.”
She reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I haven’t been worried about it, Michael. But it’s not your fault, either. You and your dad were so close. I’m sure this has a lot to do with the grieving process.”
“I’m screwed up, Jenn. I’m just not sure of anything right now. It’s probably because of my dad’s death, but it’s affecting how I feel about everything.”
“Everything? What everything?”
“Mainly my personal life,” he said. “We were on this track of moving toward commitment, but it’s just not working for me right now. I have to put the brakes on.”
“Okay,” she said uncertainly. “It’s okay if we don’t make any more plans until you’re feeling more in control.”
“That’s the thing,” he said. “I might not ever feel better.”
“I know you don’t think so right now,” she said. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, Michael. There’s no hurry. We have lots of time. Maybe you should talk to someone? A counselor?”
He ignored the suggestion because the last thing he wanted to do was see a counselor. His dad had always been his counselor. “We need to break up,” he said. “Every time I see you or talk to you, I feel bad. Guilty about not giving you the attention you deserve, about not giving our plans any priority because right now I just can’t make plans. I know it’s screwed up. But I don’t want to have plans.”
She looked genuinely confused. “All right,” she said. “So, no plans...”
“I have to break this off, Jenn. It’s not working for me. I think it’s probably my issues but I’m not ready. We need some space. Distance.”
“What kind of distance, Michael?”
“We need to break up, Jenn,” he said again. And then he hung his head.
“Are we talking about a break?” she asked. “Because you said you loved me.”
He shook his head forlornly. “I don’t feel love for anyone right now, including myself. It’s not how I want to feel. I’m just empty of feelings.”