“Except self-pity apparently,” she flung back.
“It’s not self-pity,” he said defensively. “It’s something else. Depression or grief or something. I can’t help it.”
“Have you talked to anyone?” she asked. “A professional? A therapist? What would your dad tell you to do?”
“That’s the thing. When your dad is a counselor, it becomes a personal thing. He’d take me out to the golf range or maybe a field and we’d play with a ball and talk about things, and in a little while everything would be clear. But he’s gone and there isn’t anyone else I want to talk to.”
“How about your mother?” she asked. “I know you’re very close and you respect her opinion.”
“I don’t want to put a burden on her now. She’s going through her own hard time.”
“I bet she wouldn’t consider it a burden,” she said. “You should talk to her about this.”
“I’m sorry, Jenn. I know this isn’t fair to you. I just feel lost. And suffocated. It’s not your fault.”
“We talked about getting married,” she said. “You said you wanted a family.”
“I’m just so confused right now...”
“So if we were married,” she said. “And if you had a son or two and you lost one of your parents, would you just bail? Say, ‘Sorry, Jenn, but you and the kids are on your own because I’m hurting’?”
“That’s why I have to back away right now,” he said. “I’m not sure what I feel. I’m messed up.”
“I’ll say,” she said. “You could talk to me, of course. You said you loved me. You said you thought I was the woman you wanted to be with forever. We’ve talked till late into the night so often, so why can’t we talk now? Is this what happens to you when you hit a rough patch? You quit?”
“It’s not just a patch! I lost my best friend, my dad! I’m not quitting,” he argued. “I’m having trouble feeling! I took a pretty big hit.”
She slowly stood. “I thought I had that job. Best friend.”
“Something went wrong,” he said.
“I’ll say.”
“I don’t know how to fix it,” he said.
“Why don’t you think about that for a while,” she said. “Because what you’re doing isn’t going to fix anything.” She picked up her purse. She left the bag of groceries on the counter and the enchiladas in the oven. Her glass of wine was hardly touched. “If you come up with any better solutions, I believe you have my number. You’ve used it almost every day for two years.”
“Wait,” he said. “Don’t you want to eat?”
“I don’t have much of an appetite anymore,” she said.
“But your dish...”
“Don’t worry about that,” she said. “It’s the least of what I lost today.”
And with that, she turned and let herself out of his apartment.
Michael didn’t move. He felt even worse than before. He felt like the biggest failure. He couldn’t remember a time in his life before now when he had struggled so hard for judgment and good sense. He’d never felt so lost.
Lunch with Bess was always a melancholy affair for Anna. True to form, Bess had a routine, a very rigid schedule. She had sushi every Saturday at four in Oakland near Berkeley where she lived. It was very rare for her to invite a friend or friends as she was very solitary, but now and then there would be a girlfriend or study partner.
When Anna walked in, the man behind the sushi counter waved a big hello to her and of course Bess was seated at her usual table in the rear of the small sushi bar. One of the reasons she had sushi at four on Saturday was because the bar was not crowded and she could have her favorite table. It wasn’t as though Bess became upset if she couldn’t have her table, but she did become disgruntled. She was a creature of habit. It gave her comfort.
“Mom!” she said, closing her book and looking up in surprise. “I didn’t know you were coming!”
“I hope it’s all right that I’m here,” Anna said. “I left you a message yesterday. And today.”
“I didn’t listen, I’m sorry. The only voice mail I ever get is from the insurance company or the health care supervisors trying to convince me I need more attention, but I don’t. Once when I answered and talked to one of them, they didn’t even know my age or whether I had preexisting issues. Oh, and I get quite a few calls from the car warranty people. Why don’t these people get serious jobs?”