Not a little. A lot crazy.
Chad stayed home. Chad, for reasons that made perfect sense, had an office in their home. Anna had always used the kitchen or dining room when she worked from home. Chad had to have a door that closed so he could counsel online with complete privacy.
But for Chad, such a social creature, being shut in at home with Anna and no one else took its toll and his mood became darker and darker. He became more miserable by the day. They did not see their kids—Jessie was at the hospital or her practice every day, Michael and his girlfriend saw only each other and taught school remotely, Bess continued in law school, masked up. It was a long, hard, lonely spring and summer, and fall.
“Chad slid into one of his morose periods when the governor appointed me to the vacancy in the Superior Court. And once the vaccine was approved and being shipped, the first thing he did was make a reservation for a rafting trip in Idaho. With a group he didn’t know. He was betting travel would be allowed in April 2021. The fact that he didn’t swim didn’t concern him. ‘There will be life preservers,’ he said.” She shook her head. “I said, ‘Swimming is not your strong suit.’ And he said, so snottily, ‘As you should know.’ There were times I thought he was one-upping me. As if he were jealous. Then I would think that was impossible.”
“I think it’s entirely possible,” Joe said. “He was a man, after all. He might have gotten the idea you didn’t depend on him.”
“Joe, I couldn’t depend on him! First of all, he was unfaithful. Once for sure and possibly other times. And he had bouts of melancholy. It was very tiring.”
“But you didn’t complain?”
“I tried not to, but I got so tired of hearing him complain and whine that life just wasn’t giving him enough. I’m afraid the last couple of years were a huge challenge and I’m sure I bitched a lot. I’m very sad about that. By the time he died, we weren’t in a good place. That was when I started to realize how ridiculous it was for us to live together if we didn’t enjoy each other’s company at all! I suggested that when he got home from his trip, we should talk about a separation.”
“And what could Chad have done to change that?” Joe asked.
She thought for a moment, taking a leisurely bite of her dinner, chewing thoughtfully. “He could have said he didn’t want that,” she finally said. “That in itself would have made a huge difference. He might have given some thought to what he was leaving for me to handle alone—like a secret daughter and granddaughter. Just explaining all that to our children is stressful. I don’t want them to be angry with him and yet I can’t make excuses for him, either. But most of all...” She stopped for a moment and chewed her lip. “It might have been nice if he had ever once appreciated me. I know I was far from perfect but I made a lot of sacrifices for the sake of our marriage and family.”
“Gratitude, then?” he asked.
“If he’d shown the least bit of gratitude for anything, it would have made a difference, but what I wanted from him was simpler than that. I wanted him to see me. I longed for him to see who I really am and love me that way. That probably makes no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense,” he said with a kind smile. “To be accepted as you are.”
“He was counseling couples who were struggling with marriage, just unable to make it work, and I always thought it was simple. Respect, acceptance, compromise and commitment. I understand the need to be reminded of those things. I understand the need to work on them every time they seem to slip away. But at the end of the day, those are the things you need to do. Some days it’s easier than others.” She twirled her fork around in her food a little. “It’s very lonely when you think your partner, your spouse, isn’t willing to give those simple things to you even when it’s difficult.”
“And you felt Chad didn’t?”
“I felt Chad couldn’t. Because he was busy thinking of himself.” She looked at him with sad eyes. “I had decided it was time to think of myself, too.”
TEN
Jessie hadn’t seen Patrick in almost a week. Five days, to be exact. He’d gone to Boston for a neurosurgery conference where he was presenting and he called her a couple of times, but they hadn’t talked long. He said he was exhausted, which of course he should be if he had prepared a presentation, delivered it and was thrown off his body clock due to the time difference.