“This time he was talking of being unfulfilled. He was depressed, not sleeping well and said he was in a crisis because he wasn’t ready to get old. Telling him it was just a state of mind didn’t work.”
“I’m sorry,” Joe said. “I didn’t know.”
“That’s what the rafting trip was about. It was about living life to the fullest, having adventure and excitement before it was too late. Frankly, I thought that was ridiculous and I’d be more likely to believe it was an affair. I suppose it was not, since he died. Rafting. Sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“The coroner said it was a heart attack followed by drowning. I’m told it isn’t uncommon. Especially for men who wanted to prove something, like that they weren’t getting too old.”
“He was sixty-two,” Joe said. “In good health and great shape.”
“Not great enough shape,” she said. “He always needed a lot of reinforcement. There was a young pregnant woman at the service. She looked about thirty. She didn’t seem to know anyone.”
Anna just waited, silent.
“Surely not,” Joe said.
“Would he have told you? If he was having an affair?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Joe said. “He didn’t, if that’s what you’re asking. He shared a few sensitive things he described as confidential but they had a lot to do with work. He thought we had some of that in common. Therefore...”
“You wouldn’t tell me?” she asked. “Even now?”
“I wouldn’t break a confidence, even though Chad isn’t with us now. An oath is an oath, don’t you think? I’d keep a confidence of yours past death.”
She just stared at him for a moment. She sipped her coffee. “How bloody admirable.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you think has happened,” Joe suggested.
“His malaise and complaints began about a year after I took the bench,” she said. “Chad has never been comfortable with my success. It made him needy. And I should admit—there comes a point when I just can’t endure it and turn into a bitch.”
Joe merely smiled. “And the young woman?”
“I don’t know why she’d be there unless she had an important connection to Chad. And I may never know what that is,” she said.
“Chad had his issues, as we all do, but I never knew him to chase young women.”
“He was a crazy flirt!” Anna protested.
“Flirt, yes, but that’s not the same as an affair. And with a young woman? I don’t know, Anna. It’s possible, but I don’t know... I can honestly say, without breaking a confidence, I knew nothing of a situation like that. I have no advice. I’d help if I could.”
“I’ve been too busy to even go through his desk. I checked his text messages, but I didn’t have time to do a thorough look. The kids were here and we were so busy with arrangements.”
“Are you sure you want to know?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said. “Absolutely. Because he put me through a lot the last six months with all his discontent and frustration that life just wasn’t enough for him and then he died. Leaving me to wonder if I’d failed. If it was somehow my fault.”
“No! Anna, no! Listen,” he said, setting his cup on the coffee table even as he scooted to the edge of the sofa, leaning toward her. “Everyone is in charge of their own happiness. Responsible for their own coping. Happiness is largely a choice. And everyone goes through periods of discontent, but they work through it or make major changes. But unless you’re abusing someone it is not your fault. And I know you weren’t abusing Chad.”
“The opposite,” she said. “We had a system. All he needed was to have his way. Since he hardly ever needed me to trade off attention to my kids or my career for his happiness, it was easy. If that was what we had to do to make the marriage last, to make it work, it was easy. I’m a good sport. And then there’s the fact that when Chad is happy the very sun shines brighter.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I kind of hated him for that.” Then she smiled and said, “The widow should not be drinking coffee.”
“Wanna do shots?” he asked, grinning.
TWO
Anna’s kids responded very differently to the loss of their father, but then they were very different kids. Jessie was brilliant and beautiful and very high-maintenance. Anna and Jessie got along well about half the time. The other half was often a struggle. Anna liked to think Jessie got that touch of narcissism from Chad but she hadn’t seemed to inherit Chad’s charm. Chad might have been all about Chad but he used his gifts well; he had charisma and magnetism. He knew how to win people over. That was very important in counseling. He gained the trust of his clientele immediately. Jessie, an internist, was often praised as a wonderful doctor who went the extra mile for her patients. But with her family, she was a lot of work.