I opened the door and felt my breath hitch. He was leaning against the door frame in a clearly expensive tux, shirt rumpled and his bow-tie untied around the neck. Facial hair looked good on him, and his skin glowed deeply from the LA sun, like the rays had decided to take up residence in him, saw something in his skin that was worthy of its glory. He looked up and let out a small crooked smile that caused my repressed feelings to form a wave that almost broke the dam I had built to stop them. Almost.
‘Hey, TiTi.’
I wanted to punch him. And then kiss him. Scream at him. Push him in the chest. And then kiss him again. He was looking at me and into me in, I suspect, much the same way I was looking at him and into him, and I didn’t have time to lock him out of me. Even if I did there was no point, he knew all the secret passageways, the alternative routes in.
He swallowed hard and looked very serious, as if he were about to say something devastatingly profound.
‘You’re wearing my shirt.’
I glanced down, swore internally. ‘I forgot who it belonged to.’ This was both the truth and a lie. I always knew it was his, but he had been such a part of my life at one point that knowing it was his and knowing it was mine was the same thing.
Seye smiled. ‘Really? Because it’s the Shroom Shirt.’
The Shroom Shirt. The shirt that Seye wore when we went on a hike in California with Malik and Kameela, and Malik had had the genius idea of us going on another kind of group trip. Kameela refused, offered to be our guardian. Seye and I did not take kindly to drugs. At the height of his high, Seye had announced he was hot and proceeded to get tangled up taking his shirt off, screaming at me to come and save him; in my altered state, it was the funniest thing I had seen in the world. I’d collapsed laughing, giddy with the fact that this sweet, gorgeous fool was mine.
I snorted and quickly cleared my throat. ‘Come in.’
I surreptitiously kicked the felled knife out of sight with a socked foot. Seye took his shoes off at the door and released a low whistle as he cast an eye around my flat. On one hand, it was bizarre and disorienting seeing him, in the flesh, in his rumpled tux, smelling like whatever aftershave he was the face of, in the space I had curated for myself. On the other, it felt like he’d always been there. He turned to me.
‘This place is amazing, Tiara. You did it. I knew you would. I’ve pre-ordered your book and—’
‘You never said goodbye to me.’ Pressurised by time and deeply repressed hurt, the dam broke, and the sentence exploded from me with tears.
Seye’s eyes shone. ‘Tiara—’
‘No.’ I walked to my kitchen and he followed me as I poured myself a glass of wine to the brim and leant against the counter. ‘Do you know how messed up that is? I texted and called after we broke up and you didn’t respond once. You left me to try and figure out if I had just imagined that what we had was real or not. If you ever even really loved me or not. Then you show up at my door in a tux like black James Bond after having all the sex with all the Riley Dawns and expect everything to be cool? Fuck that . . . and fuck you!’ I gulped down some of the wine in my rage.
Seye took the glass of wine from me and set it down, gaze glinting. ‘I deserve that. This isn’t an excuse, but . . . I didn’t say goodbye because how the hell could I say goodbye to you, Tiara? I couldn’t. I still haven’t. I was a prick and you were right. I should have known you were not the kind of person who would want to move without a plan, to not be able to support yourself on your own. But I was so focused on what I wanted I forgot that was the reason I fell for you. I was selfish. I am so sorry and— wait, who is having sex with Riley?’
‘You . . . are?’
Seye laughed. ‘What? No. That’s the homie. She actually told me I needed to get a grip and try and win the love of my life back.’
I forced my pulse to slow, reality combatting hope. ‘Seye, I am not moving to LA anytime soon.’
‘Actually . . .’ his voice dropped and he moved closer to me. I’d missed the tenor of his closeness, how it made my whole body hum. ‘I just landed a role for a play here. Six-week run. And after that I was thinking I might stick around for a little bit. Figure out how I can be transatlantic. Look, if you tell me you never want to see me again, I understand. I know it will take time. But if you’ll let me, I’ll do whatever it takes to be in your life again. You’re part of my generator. Does that sound weird? It’s true, though.’
I held his gaze for a few moments. ‘You know, my top tip for bumping into your ex is “Say Hello and Go”， but I think for you, I need you to say goodbye and go. You owe me a proper goodbye.’