‘It took everything for me to break up with him.’ A single tear rolled down her cheek and on to the pillow. ‘Because … breaking up with him meant accepting that I’d made a really, really bad mistake. It meant accepting that this was completely my fault and I’d … I’d fucked up my own life. I’d lost my best friend for nothing. And I could have been so happy, but love ruined me.’
She broke down. She just started crying and she couldn’t stop, so I held her. I wrapped my arms round her and I held her tight and wanted to kill the guy who had done this to her, who was probably out there living his life and not giving a single fucking thought to any of this. I wanted to rewind time and give her the life she deserved because I loved her, and she was a good person. I knew she was a good person.
‘It’s not your fault,’ I whispered. ‘You have to believe that.’
She wiped frantically at her eyes, which didn’t help much.
‘Sorry,’ she said hoarsely. ‘This always happens when I talk about … stuff.’
‘I don’t mind you crying,’ I said.
‘I just … I hate the idea of people knowing me because … surely then they’ll hate me the same way I hate myself.’
‘But I don’t,’ I said. ‘I don’t hate you.’
She didn’t reply. She kept her eyes closed. And I don’t know when we both fell asleep but we did, tangled up like that in our makeshift double bed, and I knew there was no easy way to fix this, but I hoped she felt safe, at least. Maybe I would never be able to replace Beth, and maybe Rooney would take a long time to dig her way out of these feelings, and maybe there was nothing I could do to help at all. But I hoped she felt safe with me.
Sunday arrived, and I was wearing a full suit and tie – borrowed from one of Sunil and Jess’s friends, as I didn’t own anything nearly this cool myself – staring down at a rowing boat.
It wasn’t one of the racing boats – it was wider, made for casual trips down the river, so we’d all actually fit in with the instruments and it’d be unlikely that anyone would fall out. But I was still starting to feel like this was a terrible idea.
‘This was a terrible idea,’ I said to Jason, who was standing next to me at the riverbank wearing a large, bright-yellow life jacket over his own suit and tie. It was a look.
‘It’s not a terrible idea,’ he said. ‘It’s a very good idea.’
‘I’ve changed my mind. I want to die.’
‘Is it the boat you’re afraid of or what happens after we all get in the boat?’
‘All of the above. I regret that a boat was ever involved.’
Jason swung an arm round me and gave me a squeeze. I rested my head against him.
‘You can do this, OK? I mean, you’re absolutely fucking insane for doing this, but this is literally going to go down in history. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it went viral.’
I shot him a panicked look. ‘I do not want this to go viral. I want to do this and then never think about it again. No one is allowed to post this on YouTube.’
‘OK. It won’t go viral. We can forget this day ever happened.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Life jacket?’
‘Yes, please.’
He helped me into a life jacket. Bright purple.
Rooney approached us, also in a suit, with a navy life jacket on, holding her tambourine.
‘You ready?’ she asked.
‘No,’ I said.
Sunil and Jess were behind us, instruments in hands. Sunil shot me a strong thumbs up.
‘Everything will be fine,’ said Sunil.
‘And if it’s not,’ said Jess, ‘at least we’ll have had fun!’
‘Now get in the fucking boat,’ said Jason.
I sighed and got in the fucking boat.
We had spoken to one of the few people I knew was friends with Pip. Or, rather, Jason had. Jason was friends with him on Facebook and had messaged him asking if he could get Pip to arrive at Elvet Bridge at five o’clock exactly – roughly the time the sun would start to set. The guy agreed.
I’d done seven school shows and four youth theatre productions. I’d gone to university three hundred miles away from home, I’d agreed to share a room with a stranger, I’d gone clubbing for the first time despite knowing I’d hate it, and I’d come out to four whole people.
Somehow, none of that was as scary as this.
But I was going to do this. For Pip.
To show her that I loved her.