And I hadn’t heard a peep from Aaron. No text, no call, no random car on the street. Nothing. I should be high off my relief, yet my stress level was the only thing that was high.
Although I’d never admit it out loud, I was struggling. I couldn’t get myself to focus on anything the way I needed to, but I also couldn’t relax. I was stuck in a vicious circle of losing, and honestly, I was a catastrophe waiting to happen.
But lying on the living room floor, piled up with my two besties, for a moment I could breathe and forget everything outside of our tent of happiness.
When the movie ended, and we’d all climbed out, I stared at the mess. I was usually a nut case about cleaning and always made Jamie help, but right then, I couldn’t have cared less.
“Hey, Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think I could sign up for soccer?”
I turned to give him my full attention, seeing Layla do the same. Jamie rarely asked for anything that wasn’t video game or book-related. Sports weren’t typically his thing. “What made you want to try soccer?”
He looked down, toeing the carpet nervously. “I’ve always liked soccer. I play it with my friends every day at recess, and my P.E. teacher thinks I should sign up.”
My brows dropped into a frown, “Always? Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s awesome, bud, but I’ve never once heard you talk about it. We don’t even have a soccer ball.”
He pushed his toes around some more, not meeting my eyes. Low, almost at a whisper, he said, “I didn’t want you to have to get another job if I asked to play.”
My arms went limp at my sides. My heart clenched tight, stopping the flow of blood from circulating through my body and sending a chill through me. “What?”
He glanced at Layla before looking at me. “The school league is expensive. I didn’t want you to have to work more to pay for it.” He put his hands up, as if worried I’d agree and shut the conversation down. “But my P.E. teacher told me there’s a form you can fill out so you wouldn’t have to pay for me to join. You’d only have to pay for the uniform.”
I swallowed. And then swallowed again. He wanted to play a sport. He’d always wanted to play a sport, and he’d hid it from me because—fuck, I was going to lose it. The cracks in the dam were spurting and crumbling, and I could do nothing but hold on for dear life and hope to make it to safety before it crashed completely.
“Yeah, bud,” my voice cracked, and I had to force down the lump in my throat, “you can join. When are sign ups?”
His eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning. “Next week.”
“All right. Go brush up and get ready for bed. We’ll talk more about it tomorrow and figure out what I need to do.”
He spun, running around the mass of blankets, but stopped at the hallway entrance. Turning to look at me over his shoulder he said, “I love you, Mom.”
I watched him disappear into the bathroom when the first tear pooled in the corner of my eye. My time was up.
“Go on.” Layla tapped me on the arm and pointed to the front door. “Go break down, it’s okay, mama bear. I’ll read with him tonight. You want me to stay home?”
I choked, the tear escaping down my face as more pooled and burned. “No, I’ll be fine.”
She gave me a small smile that didn’t match her eyes, “Yeah, you always are. Now go.”
I practically ran, my only goal being to get outside before Jamie came back out and saw me fall apart. My ass had only grazed the cement when the tears fell in earnest, leaving hot trails down my cheeks to drip off my jaw onto my clothing.
I curled in on myself, tucking my head into my knees and raising my arms to wrap around the back of my neck. My chest heaved as I pulled in large gulps of air, the silent tears forming a drenched trek down my thighs.