“Sounds fun.” Does it? “Well, I’ll miss you guys. Have a good day. See you tonight.”
“What time do you think you’ll be home?”
“I’m hoping for seven,” he said, as if he weren’t the one who chose when he walked out of his office. And even if he was home by seven, it would be too late to help me during the critical witching hours of extra fussiness, an always-harrowing bath, and finally getting Clara dressed, fed, settled, and into her first leg of sleep. Of course I understood that he had to work. Obviously, he was doing it for us, to support our family. I just wished that his support of our family could somehow involve a little less time at his office and a little more time at home elbow deep in dirty diapers.
He gave me a quick peck on the cheek, grazed Clara’s head with his lips, and walked out the door with what unmistakably sounded like a sigh of relief.
Chapter Three
Friday, October 2
Clara and I muddled through the morning; after she woke and I fed her, I got her dressed and into her Ergobaby carrier, strapping her to my body so that I could free up my hands long enough to unload the dishwasher. She fell asleep immediately, face smooshed up against my floppy, emptied breasts. I was too scared to take her out of the carrier and transfer her to her bassinet because I didn’t want to wake her up. Things were more manageable when she was asleep, though I would have preferred for it to not be on me, so that I could shower, get dressed, or even pee. I couldn’t really sit very well when she was in the carrier because the sudden stop in motion usually woke her, so I just puttered around the apartment, thinking about the chores and reorganization projects I could be doing with my time at home but wasn’t managing to even attempt. “Babies just sleep all day! You’ll feel like you’re on vacation!” one of my coworkers had told me before I started my maternity leave. I vowed I would never speak to this woman again. Or maybe I’d find an opportunity to secretly spit in her coffee.
Bravo was on in the background as I aimlessly skulked about, and not even something halfway decent like Real Housewives of NYC, but instead a show about people who were supposed to be working on a cruise ship but spent most of their time hooking up with each other and getting in fights. It was borderline unwatchable, but the thought of trying to find something better just felt pointless.
Perching gingerly on our trusty sports ball—which I used not for exercise （God no）， but for bouncing Clara—and retrieving my phone carefully so as not to wake her, I opened Instagram. It seemed that I inevitably, and unfortunately, spent most of Clara’s sleeping hours scrolling mindlessly through my phone.
Only two new posts since I’d last checked: a celebrity had posted something political, and a food account had shared a recipe for butternut squash soup that sounded delicious but that I knew I would never, ever make. Also, my dad’s wife had responded with heart-eye emojis to a photo of Clara I’d put in my Instagram story （where she’s sleeping peacefully, like an angel—talk about Instagram versus reality）。 My parents had been divorced since I was little, and my dad lived in Arizona, so I hadn’t seen much of him growing up, though our relationship was perfectly cordial, and his wife was nice enough. But it was just my mom and me for a lot of my childhood, which of course only made losing her even more painful. She was honestly my best friend, and the only person I’d have been brave enough to ask: Is it normal to be this miserable with a newborn? Are these sad and scary thoughts that I’m having common? Am I an awful mother?
I closed Instagram and opened Facebook. The first post in my feed was something from the Upper West Side Moms Facebook group, which I had recently joined to learn about things like day cares, schools, and playgrounds in the neighborhood. There was plenty of non-neighborhood-specific content, too, just baby and kid advice in general. It was strangely addicting to read about what other moms were doing with their children.
Kyla Trevor: Hi mommas! I’m wondering what your favorite baby carriers are? I have the Ergo 360, but I find it really bulky and cumbersome. Thanks in advance for your recs!
57 replies
I clicked on the replies. I also had the Ergo 360 （was wearing it now, in fact） and thought it was fine, but maybe there were better options. I made a mental note to check out a few brands that kept getting mentioned or “liked,” like Baby K’tan, and also saw some other comments that I knew would be nagging me for the rest of the day, such as:
Rachel Brandon: Be really careful with baby carriers tho. Even though brands say they can be used for newborns, they really aren’t safe for smaller babies and can be suffocation hazards.