And another that went so far as:
Cleo Patra: TRIGGER WARNING: My sister-in-law’s friend’s baby died in a carrier. The mom fell asleep wearing it and rolled over and that was it. Ladies, please be so careful. We only get one chance with these precious babies.
I was deeply disturbed by this, but also strangely jealous that this woman had been able to figure out how to lie down wearing the baby carrier. Then I felt terrible for thinking that. And terrible that I was wearing a death trap and also frequently committing the crime of sleeping while holding. Basically, I felt terrible for being so terrible at this.
There were several more replies to the tune of:
Amelia Conners: Don’t overdo it with the carriers—babies need to stretch their bodies, build their muscles, and of course, need to learn to sleep independently in their cribs too. If they get too used to sleeping on you in the carrier, they’ll never sleep on their own!
Never? As in, not ever? Like, I’d have to go to college with Clara so that she could sleep on me? My head had started to hurt. I couldn’t bring myself to read any more of the baby carrier comments, but against my better judgment, I scrolled ahead to other posts. Maybe I’d find something useful that didn’t make me feel like crap, or at least something salacious or funny: sometimes there were fun matchmaker posts, or gripes about a snoring husband, and those were always pretty entertaining.
Jess Norton: Best brownies on the UWS? This pregnancy craving won’t leave me alone and ya know what I’m just gonna lean in lol
Nikki Friedman: Try the Viand, their brownies slay! Enjoy!
Amy McGuire: I love the brownies at By the Way Bakery! Kind of pricey though since everything is gluten free.
Kate Younger: Dietitian here. I agree that it’s good to listen to your body, but what is it really telling you? Sometimes these sugar cravings can be satisfied with a piece of fruit or even a glass of water. Your body, and your baby, will thank you!
Kirsten Gemma: @Kate Younger why are you trying to kill her buzz, girl’s just trying to get her brownie on! Let her live, geez!
Jess Norton: @Kate Younger Yeah I’m gonna stick with brownies but thanx, enjoy your kale. @Kirsten Gemma THANK YOU.
This brownie exchange already made me feel a bit better about the Ergobaby carrier nightmare. I scrolled on.
Stephanie Ring: Hi ladies!! Looking for some mommy and me classes for me and my 6 wk princess! Preferably music but open to anything, doesn’t have to be in person either, would do virtual. Lmk what you’ve taken and loved! Thanks!
30 replies
Virtual infant music classes? Was this a thing that we were supposed to be doing? I pretty much had Grey’s Anatomy season one playing on a loop while I was home with Clara （when it wasn’t the god-awful yacht show on Bravo）。 Was Clara going to be trailing behind her peer group as a result of my selfish incompetence? Or worse, was it possible that I was traumatizing her with these bloody surgery scenes on Grey’s? I honestly hadn’t thought about it. So while the other babies were learning to play instruments and sing songs in Mandarin, Clara was watching Ellen Pompeo make out with Patrick Dempsey in an on-call room. Great. Typical Jenn. Another day, another mom fail. I couldn’t bring myself to read through these replies now, though; my head was really starting to hurt. So I quickly wrote a note in my phone: look up music classes for Clara and turn off Grey’s, you jerk.
I put down my phone and took a deep breath. I needed to get outside. Then I immediately picked up my phone again to check the time. Clara had been sleeping in her carrier for an hour; I could probably squeeze in a short walk before she woke up. I walked to the door and clumsily wedged my feet into hideous slip-ons that a few years ago I would never have believed I’d be wearing every day. My hand was on the doorknob when Clara let out a wail. The walk would have to wait.
“Hi, my little lady,” I murmured as I took her out of the carrier, unclipping it eagerly from my sore hips. She glared at me, her face contorting as she cried, ready to be fed. Again.
She quieted down as soon as she was on my breast, like always. She stayed awake during this feed, but when she was done eating, she spat up all over herself and me. It was so much, I wasn’t really sure if it was spit-up or vomit, which worried me. A quick Google search told me it was definitely vomit and that she would probably die. Thanks, Google. I texted Tim a picture and said, do you think this looks like spit-up or vomit? To his credit, he wrote back right away, but only with, what’s the difference? I assured myself it was spit-up and tried to move on.
While I was changing Clara’s bodysuit, I heard that unmistakable thunderous rumble from below, accompanied by her signature midpoop blank stare, telling me she would also need a new diaper—and in this case, new pants, too.