“That’s what my mommy said.”
Mommy.
How was it that an ordinary word, one she’d heard all of her life, could suddenly be so sharp? You used to be the best mother in the world.
Regret was all around Jude; she felt choked by it, but then she looked down at the girl in her arms, and she could breathe again. The regret melted slowly away, was replaced by a fragile shoot of hope. “Your mom has a heart as big as Alaska. I forgot that. And she made my Mia—and your dad—happy.”
“What’s that?” Grace asked, pointing at the book in Jude’s other hand.
She hadn’t even realized she was still holding it. “It’s your Aunt Mia’s diary.”
“You aren’t ’posed to read stuff like that. Hannah Montana says—”
“It’s okay.”
“Cuz she’s dead?”
Jude drew in a sharp breath, waiting for a pain that didn’t quite come. It was there, of course, in that one awful word, but it left quickly, and she was surprised to find that she could still smile. And maybe it was better to face a thing, to say it out loud, rather than to hide it away. “Yeah. Now it’s something she left for us.”
“What was she like, Nana?” Grace asked, and Jude wondered how long Grace had held that question back, afraid to ask it of anyone in her family.
“She was like … a beautiful, fragile flower. Until she met your mom, she was afraid of her own shadow and lonely … so lonely.” She wiped her eyes. “She wanted to be an actress, and I think she could have made it. All those quiet years weren’t wasted. Mia was always watching people, soaking up the world around her. When she got onstage, she was a different girl completely. Your mom helped her with that. It was Lexi who talked Mia into trying out for her first play.”
Miles appeared in the doorway. “What’s this? You two look like you’re having a party without me.”
“We are, Papa!” Grace said, scrambling to her feet. She ran across the bed and launched herself into Miles’s open arms.
“Nana was telling me about Aunt Mia,” Grace said. “An’ look what my mommy gave me.” She held out the promise ring on the chain.
“She was telling you about Mia?” Miles asked, looking at Jude. Over Grace’s golden hair their eyes met, and a quiet understanding passed between them. They both knew what it meant to simply say Mia’s name. He got up into his daughter’s bed and eased close to them, putting an arm around Jude.
“How have you been so strong?” she asked him.
“Strong?” He sighed, and in the sound she heard the wellspring of his loss. “I’m not strong anymore,” he said. “But, thank God, I’m patient.”
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
Grace wiggled around until she was wedged between them. Then she sat up. Her pointed chin jutted out. “Won’t Daddy be mad that Mommy gave me this ring?”
And suddenly Jude got it: she knew why Lexi had given Grace the ring. Something important to do before I leave.
Lexi hadn’t just left Grace for the day. The ring meant good-bye.
*
Lexi pedaled up Main Street and parked her bike in front of Scot’s office.
He was still at his desk, talking on the phone. At her entrance, he smiled and held up a finger. Wait, he mouthed. Don’t go.
She sat down on the sofa in the office, waiting. As soon as he hung up, she got to her feet and headed toward the desk. “I made a mistake,” she said, standing in front of him.
He paused in gathering his papers and looked up. “What do you mean?”
“You know what Grace said to me? I’m already a mom. I should know how to be one. But I don’t. I have no idea how to be my daughter’s mommy. I don’t have a job or a place to live. Anything. I’m not ready. All I did by coming back was hurt them again. Hurt Grace.”
“Lexi, you can’t give up.”
“I’m not going to give up. I still want to modify the custody agreement, and I want to be Grace’s mom. I want that more than anything. But I have to do it the right way. I have to do what’s best for her. Not what’s best for me.” Her voice fell away; all she could do was shrug. “I tried to find a job. Ha. Apparently a twenty-four-year-old ex-con can’t even be a part-time janitor. And forget about housing. At best I can rent a room in someone’s house. I’ll have to work seventy hours a week just to live. How do I take care of Grace? How?”
“Lexi…”