“When I dream, I dream in slow motion. I dream of him looking at me after he had been shot. A split second, him gazing up at me, tears in his eyes, as if asking why this is happening to him. Why did I allow this to happen to him? I was powerless to help him. I’m powerless now. I just want to hold him again. But also . . .”
“Yes, what is it, Jack?”
“There’s also an anger I can’t explain. I feel trapped. Like I’m going to explode.”
“I’m going to ask you a very difficult question. I hope you can answer it honestly.”
“What is it?”
“Do you have, or have you ever had, suicidal thoughts?”
“There are some days I don’t want to go on. Some days I don’t want to get up. And some days I just want to curl up and die.”
“But you go on, don’t you?”
“I think I’ve reached the end of my rope.”
“I want to help you. I want very much to help you. But you need to trust me and listen to what I say.”
“I’m going to go now. Thank you for listening.” He ended the call.
McNeal stared out over the city, breathing hard, still processing the conversation with Katz. The deepest thoughts and fears seemed to spill out of him. His cell phone rang. It was his father.
“Jack, you okay to talk?”
McNeal exhaled slowly, wiping his eyes. “Sure, Dad. What’s going on?”
“I was going to ask you the same thing. Peter told me about what happened last night.”
McNeal sighed. “It’s a bit embarrassing, actually.”
“Son, listen to me. I’m proud of you. Easiest thing in the world to succumb to something like that. But that’s not what we are. The McNeals are loyal. And true.”
“I pointed a gun at her head, Dad.”
“Good for you. I just wanted you to know that I love you and respect you so much, son.”
McNeal closed his eyes tight. It was so unlike his father to talk about such things.
“Your mother, God rest her soul, would have turned in her grave if you had fallen for that woman’s charms.”
“I know she would.”
“Damn right she would have. But she raised you good.”
“I don’t want you bothering yourself with this. This is not your problem.”
“Damn right it is. You’re my son. And I’ll always be there for you. And Peter. Love you both. Drive me fucking crazy, but I still love you.”
McNeal smiled. His father had a propensity for industrial language. His years on the force and growing up hand-to-mouth in a big family meant rough language was par for the course. He said what had to be said. He told it like it was.
“Peter been bending your ear about this?” McNeal asked.
“You know Peter. Heart on his sleeve. His gut reaction is to go after people with a gun and not stop until it’s over. But not in this case.”
“He’s got a family. That’s understandable. I don’t have a family anymore.”
“You have us. I wouldn’t blame you for getting back to your job. You’re very good at it. And it’s what you are. What you wanted.”
“You think I’m conflicted?”
“I think you’re trying to figure out how to pursue a line of investigation into what happened to your wife without compromising your ethics. By that I mean breaking the law.”
“I have no intention of breaking the law.”
“I know you don’t. But sometimes . . .”
“Sometimes what?”
“Sometimes, in life, you face challenges. Challenges you’ve never faced before. And you will be defined by how you respond to those challenges. Life’s tough. Sometimes there are no easy choices.”
“You mean sometimes you’ve got to cross the line?”
“That’s exactly what I mean.”
McNeal relaxed, speaking to his father. He seemed a long way from home. He felt increasingly detached, as if he were being pulled by forces outside of his control. But he wasn’t quite ready to cross the line. At least not yet. “Dad, Peter might’ve mentioned it, but I talked to Finn O’Brien.”
“Was he helpful?”
“More than helpful.”
“Glad to hear it. He’s salt of the earth. He won’t let you down. But keep your wits about you when dealing with Finn. He knows a lot of people. Be careful.”
“I understand.”
“I’m worried about you, Jack.”
“What would you do?”