“I could never hate you,” Leo says.
“I don’t even think I’m allowed,” I say.
Arthur takes a deep breath. “So, when Dad left, that was really shitty of him,” he starts.
“Arthur,” I say.
“Sorry, but it was.”
“It was. Go on,” I say.
“And you acted like it was no big deal, but it was a big deal to me. Because I don’t have a dad anymore, like at all, but it also sucked that he could do that to you.”
“It was shitty, I agree.”
“So whenever I would think about him coming back, I’d end up imagining him finding us totally fine and like we didn’t even need him. And he’d feel dumb. I think about that a lot. All of us just fine without him.”
“Which we kind of are?” I ask. “I mean it sucks, but we have each other and Mimi and Papa. And our friends.”
“Let him talk,” Leo says. I take a deep breath and let Arthur go on.
“When Leo came, I thought how awesome it would be for Dad to show up and find Leo there instead. I liked to think of Dad driving up to our house and finding you and Leo on the porch, like all happy.”
This stings. I can feel Leo watching me but I don’t dare meet his eyes. “And that’s how you’d get back at Dad?”
“I don’t know. I just liked the idea that he’d leave again knowing we didn’t want him. Yeah, I guess I’d be getting back at him.”
“These feelings really make sense to me, sweetie. And I think daydreaming and talking about things is a good way to process anger. I just write and try to create a world I can control for a little while. But, wait, why did you come to the city?”
“To see Leo.”
“Because you wanted to tell him this?”
“Because when he left us, everything hurt all over again. I didn’t care about the play that much, but just that he left like we didn’t matter.”
There’s nothing I can do to conceal my hurt from Leo. My child is expressing the deepest part of my pain, thereby increasing it exponentially. Habit tells me to save face, to minimize the whole thing. But here’s Arthur in pain, and it feels disrespectful to him to lie about mine.
“I felt like that too. Did you come here to tell him that? That’s very brave.”
“No. Here it is. The night of the play, Leo texted me to see how it was. And I killed it,” he says to Leo. “I really was good. Anyway, I was mad that he left us, so I told him that Dad came back just as the curtain was going up, and that you two were back together and really happy.”
I’m stunned. I’m staring at Arthur, who still has words coming out of his mouth. Leo is silent.
“I’m sorry,” Arthur finishes.
“So this whole time? You thought Ben was back?” I say to Leo.
“I’m sorry,” Arthur says again.
Leo is on his feet, hands on his head like he’s trying to keep from hurting someone. “Is this a fucking joke?”
“I was mad at you.” Arthur’s voice is so small.
“Well, you broke my heart, dude,” Leo says.
“Oh,” is all I can manage. Everything’s coming into place, the silence, the hostility. He really thought Ben was back. And the last piece: Leo’s heart was broken too.
I take Arthur into my arms, because I know he’s in a lot of pain. I feel a peace that surprises me, like when there’s an explosion and then complete silence. That silence is a super silence, quieter than anything that came before. I know where Arthur is. I know what he’s upset about. I didn’t imagine this thing between Leo and me. He’s not a monster.
“I was coming back,” Leo is saying to Arthur, not me. “I don’t know how I could have made that more clear. I know I left in a hurry, that’s just kind of how my life is. Just because your dad’s a dick doesn’t mean I am. And you know what? Just because he hurt you doesn’t mean you needed to hurt me.” Leo’s legitimately angry, and I tighten my grip on Arthur.
Arthur wiggles away from me and faces Leo. I feel like I’m not involved, like the two of them are working through their breakup, and I’m just there for moral support.
“Leo, I’m sorry. I think my mom loved you and I was trying to protect her. I shouldn’t have lied.” He’s sitting up straight, looking Leo right in the eye. “And I owned up.”
Leo stands there for a while, silent. “You did. But I feel like you just ran my whole life through a meat grinder.” He starts walking toward the kitchen. “Maybe you guys should leave.”