* * *
—
“William,” I murmured, and he said, “What?” I said, “Did you see that?” And he said, “It was hard to miss,” as he pulled the door open and stepped inside the restaurant before me, but he said it in a way that was cold—to my ears—and my panic grew.
* * *
—
Oh, to panic!
* * *
—
If you have not been there, you cannot know.
* * *
—
There were maybe ten other people in the place; it was like a log cabin inside—I mean there were round logs that made up the walls—and the waitresses were very nice. A young one with really red lipstick took us to a booth, and she was short and almost plump and very bright in her greeting. William looked at the menu, but I was not hungry and when the waitress came back I ordered one scrambled egg, and William ordered eggs and hash.
Across from us—to the right—was a man with no teeth at all, and he was sitting with two other men, and the one with no teeth was talking about needing a passport.
“William,” I said.
He looked at me. “What’s the matter?”
I said quietly, “I’m panicking.”
And I saw—I felt I saw—William droop inwardly, and he said, “Oh Lucy, why in hell are you panicking.”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You still get like that?”
“Not for a while,” I said. “Not even—” I was going to say not even after my husband died. That grief is different from panic. But I did not say this.
I swear I saw William almost roll his eyes. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked, and I hated him then.
“Nothing,” I said.
Then William said, “Probably it reminds you of your childhood up here.”
I said, “It does not remind me of my childhood. Have you seen one field of soybeans?” But then I saw that he was right. Until we had stopped at this little place for breakfast we had seen almost no one, and the isolation made me panic.
“Well, Lucy.” William sat back. “I don’t know what to do for you. As you know, my wife left me only seven weeks ago.”
“And my husband died,” I said. I thought: Is this a competition?
William said, “I know that. But I don’t know what to do for your panic, I have never known what to do for your panic.”
And I said, “Well, you could hold the door open for me instead of pushing yourself through it.” I added, “And you could wear a pair of pants that were long enough, for another thing. Your khakis are too short and it depresses the hell out of me. Jesus, William, you look like a dork.”
William sat back; his face broke into real surprise. “Seriously? Are you sure?” He moved himself across the seat and stood up. “Really?” he asked, looking down.
“Yes!” I said, and his mustache moved.
He sat back down across from me, and he threw his head back and laughed one of his real—genuine—laughs that I have not heard in ages.
And my panic left me.
“Listen to you,” William said. “Lucy Barton telling someone their pants are too short.”
“Well, I am telling you. They look ridiculous.”
And William laughed more. “Calling me a dork? Who says dork anymore?”
“I do,” I said, and William laughed again.
“I just bought these pants recently,” he said. He added, “I wondered if they were too short.”
“They are. They are too short.”
“I didn’t have my shoes on when I tried them on.”
“Forget it,” I said. “But you should give them away.”
* * *
—
And I was happy because of William’s laughter. Everything was all right after that.
* * *
—
The waitress brought us astonishing platters of food. William’s plate had a pile of reddish hash and two fried eggs on top of the hash and potatoes over that, and also three thick slices of bread. On my plate was a mess of scrambled eggs and also greasy bacon and the three huge slabs of bread as well. “Oh God,” I said, just as William said, “Jesus.”
“Okay, now listen. What do we do with Lois Bubar?” William asked. He poked around the reddish stuff on his plate and then put a bite into his mouth.
And I said, “We’ll figure it out when we get there.”
We talked about Lois, her being Miss Potato Blossom Queen, and whether she could have any idea that her mother had left her. William thought she would know; I was not so sure. “Yeah, who knows, who knows,” William said. Then he shook his head. “Oh, man,” he said.