He finishes his shot slowly, nursing it like a cup of coffee.
揌ell, I don抰 know. Maybe she thought it was the only way out…？
揙ut of what? Being married to me? Believe me, if she抎 asked for a divorce, I wouldn抰 have contested it. Not that I was ready to give up桰 always swore I抎 go down fighting for us,?I tell him.
揝o, if you don抰 believe it was an accident and you don抰 think she killed herself…what are you suggesting??
揑 don抰 fucking know, Troy.?
That抯 just it.
The only other option is foul play, and I can抰 see anyone killing her.
揘ot a lot of other options,?Troy says matter-of-factly.
揑 know. And you抮e right that I owe Eliza the truth. About as much as I owe it to myself to find some closure.?I pause, letting my words sink in. 揙nly, how do I even give her the truth without knowing it??
揧ou抣l never know what happened that day. When someone dies abruptly like she did, that抯 how it goes. The only person who knows is gone. And man, pardon me if this sounds cold, but does it matter??
My eyes snap to his. 揥hat do you mean??
揑f you find out what happened, will it bring her back??
揘o.?I sigh. 揌ell no.?
揜ight. So, either way, all you can do is move on. Count your blessings. You抳e found a great girl who adores you and loves your kid. You want my advice? Don抰 blow it because you抮e all twisted up in something that happened almost ten fucking years ago.?
揑 hired a private investigator. As soon as I have the answers梐nd closure桰抣l tell her everything. I just don抰 feel like I can until I know for myself.?
For a second, he stares at me blankly.
揂 PI? Sounds like a big waste of money,?he snaps, staring past me and shaking his head violently.
Not what I was expecting.
揥hat? Why??
揃ecause. How many times does it need to be investigated, dude? The police did their legwork when the evidence was fresh. Now, it抯 ancient history. What do you think you抮e gonna find??
揑 get it. Turning up anything new seems unlikely. If the PI comes back with the same theory the cops did, I抣l accept it. If they don抰…then I guess I抣l have to decide who to believe. I always felt like there was too much chaos after she died, and maybe the case was closed too fast.?
揅ole, you were grieving. If they told you anything besides, 慡orry, wrong Aster Lancaster. Your wife is safe at the Kona Community Hospital,?you wouldn抰 have believed it. You weren抰 ready to hear it,?he says sharply.
Is Troy right?
I wanted out if we couldn抰 fix what we had, but I never wanted Aster dead.
I never wanted to watch Destiny pick at meals for a year because she was waiting for mommy to come for dinner.
I never wanted to wake up at three a.m. in a cold sweat. Day after day after goddamned day because Destiny had another night terror and was screaming. Another dream where a shadow man was taking mommy away.
揗aybe so,?I tell him. 揝till, I want a second opinion to put this whole thing behind me, and as you pointed out, I haven抰 managed to do that yet.?
揓esus, yeah. Can I have another hit??
I find the bottle and fill his glass again.
He knocks back his drink, his throat working, and slams it on the coffee table in front of us.
揑f you think it will help, whatever. Go for it. But as a friend桰 think it抯 only going to help if you抮e willing to accept it this time with no more questions. And if you抮e willing to do that, you could just read the police report again and save yourself the time.?
揑 want a new report. Also, I抦 drunk and tired. I need sleep, Troy. Should I call you a ride or are you crashing here??
揅all the ride.?He refills his own glass and downs another shot, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. 揑抳e got to get the hell out of here. Big call with the team in Brazil tomorrow.?
I nod and summon Troy a car by app. We don抰 talk much, even though I try to wait up with him until it arrives.
By the time it shows up and he slips out, I never hear it.
I抦 so drunk and tired I pass out on the couch.
I linger at the office the next day, long after any sane person would be gone, and finally drag myself down to the lab.
If she抯 not there, I抣l go to her apartment.
I have to see her.
I have to fix this.
I can抰 let it fester like an open wound in my heart.
Of course, she抯 there.
Eliza stands over a pot on the grill, her chestnut curls pulled up in a bun, stirring her brew with a contemplative focus.
揅an we talk??My voice echoes through the empty lab like a cave.
She glances at me over her shoulder. 揥hatever. It抯 your company.?
She turns her head back to her work like I抦 not even there.