Those whisperings felt like the fourth wall of the holiday being removed. We could no longer suspend our disbelief that all was sun-kissed and easy and light.
We could no longer believe that we were all friends.
19
Lexi
Lexi crossed the bedroom and pulled the balcony doors closed. Bella and her big mouth!
Robyn was pacing the room, cheeks flushed, mouth in a tight scowl. ‘She’s so fucking boring!’ she repeated.
‘Bella didn’t really mean that,’ Lexi said gently.
Robyn raised an eyebrow.
Lexi reached out, catching Robyn’s hand as she passed. She looked directly at her, waiting until she met her eye. ‘We both know that whenever Bella feels threatened, she lashes out.’
‘Threatened? Because I went for a hike with Fen?’
‘You know what she’s like. She needs the attention circling her.’ It was one of the things she had learned to accept about Bella over the years.
‘She’s right, though. I am boring.’
‘Course you’re not!’
‘It’s true.’ Robyn let go of Lexi’s hands and sank down onto the bed, shoulders rounding. ‘The social highlight of my week is taking Jack to Wriggle and Rhyme.’
Lexi laughed.
‘I wish it were a joke. I don’t even have a sense of humour anymore, so it can’t be. I lost that with my social life. All I do now is go to work. Look after Jack. Eat dinner with my parents. Watch Netflix. Then go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life. I’m bored by it.’
Lexi sat beside Robyn, the mattress dipping. ‘How long have you felt like this?’
‘For months. Oh God,’ she said, covering her face with her hands. ‘Maybe even years. Since I had Jack, sometimes I feel like, like I’ve lost a part of myself. I know that sounds selfish, because I love him so much and I want him to be the centre of my world … but … what if I’m pouring so much into him that there’s nothing left for me?’ Robyn looked up and her expression was raw, vulnerable. ‘Living back at Mum and Dad’s – it’s been such a help after Bill, but I don’t think it’s good for me. I’m still sleeping in my childhood bed, for God’s sake!’
Lexi had always liked Robyn’s parents. They were kind and caring and dependable – a welcome contrast to her family – but there was also （and Lexi felt disloyal for even thinking this） a sadness that clung to them. Their son, Drew, had died in a drink-driving accident over a decade ago and, God, Lexi knew grief wasn’t stamped with an end date, but over the years, she’d also wondered if their sadness had been accepted as the norm, like they were no longer even aiming for anything else. Robyn was their glimmer of light. Her decisions to go to a local university and then take a job in a local firm were made because she knew that, too.
‘I need to move out,’ Robyn said, rubbing the back of her neck, as if the thought alone caused her muscles to knot. ‘But Jack would be so sad to leave my parents’ house. And Dad would be heartbroken – he and Jack have breakfast together, spotting the birds on the garden feeder while they share toast. Mum is always saying how nice it is to have the extra noise and bustle in the house, and I’d feel terrible if—’
‘Robyn,’ Lexi cut in. ‘Maybe it’s time to think about you – what you want – rather than what is best for Jack or your parents.’ Lexi maintained her gaze, holding the space for her.
Robyn looked right into her eyes. ‘But … what if I can’t manage on my own?’
‘You’re the most capable person I know. You’re always putting everyone else’s needs before your own. I think you’re so used to it that you’re not even sure what it is you need.’
Robyn blinked as if considering this. There was a whorl of salt on her sun-pinkened shoulders, and her usually straight hair was kinked from the sea. ‘This,’ she said after a long moment. ‘I need this. My friends. Sunshine. Meeting new people. Doing new things. I need a break from routine.’ She leaned her head on Lexi’s shoulder. ‘Thank you.’
Robyn smelled pleasingly of sweat and salt, and it made Lexi think of netball games, when Robyn wore her Wing Attack bib, fast little legs nipping around the court. Bella always played Centre, and the two of them had an unstoppable on-court dynamic, shooting the ball away from the defence with speed and silent communication.
‘You should let Bella know that you heard. That she hurt you,’ Lexi said.