I gave a little self-conscious laugh. ‘What do you mean?’
Claudia woke, gurgled and started to cry. I got that panic I always do when a baby starts to cry, as though it’s my fault. Ruby grimaced as she leaned forward to take her from me. Once Claudia was in her arms again, Ruby lifted her jumper and let her bare breast flop free. ‘Come on, baby girl,’ she cooed. ‘Are you hungry, beautiful?’ Ruby’s a natural. Claudia found her nipple quickly and fell quiet again. ‘I just mean it’s not like you have a career or anything. Throwing parties and decorating the house is all well and good but don’t you want your life to have some purpose?’
The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. It didn’t sound like Ruby – it sounded like Ethan. ‘He’s been in contact with you, hasn’t he?’
She flushed. ‘Who?’
‘Ethan.’ I was furious. How dare he call Ruby? How dare she go along with it? No wonder he’d stopped going on about children; why bother when he had my cousin doing his dirty work?
‘He’s worried about you. I am too. You have what you want: the big house, the perfect husband, but you could lose it all. Ethan might walk if you aren’t on the same page, Adaline.’ Claudia whimpered and Ruby shushed her, stroking her wispy dark hair.
‘Well, maybe he should. Maybe I want to be with someone who doesn’t view me as an interchangeable incubator for his offspring. Maybe I want to be with a man who can only imagine having children with me and if he can’t have them with me, he doesn’t want them with anyone,’ I said, thinking of Jennifer and Lucas.
She shook her head. ‘That just doesn’t happen. That guy doesn’t exist.’ She looked back down at her baby who’d fallen off her nipple. ‘Is this because of Elodie? You’ve been … different.’
‘Well, of course I have. Something this big changes you. Elodie’s disappearance made me reassess my life.’
‘So what now? You’re going to leave Ethan and work in a coffee shop?’
I shift uncomfortably in my seat, deciding whether or not to tell her. ‘No. I’ve been thinking about going into event planning or interior design.’ I’d actually contacted a few companies just to see. I don’t think I’d have done it without Harriett reassuring me I’m brighter than I think or without Christopher telling me how capable I am or without you suggesting I’d be good at it, all those months ago. One interior company just outside of Crosshaven asked me to send a portfolio; between taking care of our parents, and endless research on Jack and David, I’d been putting something together to send to them. Ethan caught me working on it last night and snapped that he never wanted a wife who worked and besides, I was going to make a fool out of myself. ‘I want to work. I want to earn for myself.’
She pulled a face. ‘Come on, Adaline, you haven’t worked in years. And even when you did, you were a just a PA on a shit wage. Without Ethan, you’ll have nothing.’ She let her words hang in the air like a bad smell, before continuing in a patronising tone. ‘Have a baby. Just one,’ she said, as though she were trying to convince me to indulge in sugary confectionery and not a life that will forever be tied to my own. ‘You’ll love it when it arrives. Being a mother is unlike anything else in the world.’
I looked at her bloodshot eyes and her leaking boobs and the dark circles and thought I’d never judged her for wanting a child; why was she judging me for not wanting one? I’m starting to believe being a parent is like standing in quicksand, and rather than asking for help out of it, they want to pull you in so you’re all sinking together.
I shouldn’t have been surprised Ruby thought so little of my ability to succeed without my husband. Up until recently, I’d thought so little about myself. It still hurt though, El. I have a feeling you’d be supportive if I told you I wanted a career, even if that meant losing Ethan and the shot at a baby I didn’t want.
‘I’ve got to go,’ I said, standing up.
Claudia started to wail.
‘Oh, really?’ asked Ruby.
‘Yes, I don’t know if Ethan told you but we’re having dinner with his family tonight and I need to go.’
Ruby looked panicked. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked over her screaming bundle of joy. ‘Tom isn’t back until this evening. Can’t you stay?’
I wanted to fling her words back at her. Remind her motherhood is simply the best and this – the house, the husband, the baby – is exactly what she wanted so why complain that I’m leaving her to it? Instead, I said, ‘No, sorry. I have to go.’ I ran a finger along Claudia’s cheek. ‘Take care.’