The bright red shame of what I’ve done soaks into my dress and skin before settling in my bones. This is awful. I’m awful. I look down so I don’t have to see their pride. I notice Mum’s shoes. Her best heels. The ones in blue satin with the little bow detail, which she wore to my graduation, reserved only for extra special occasions. It’s this detail, my mum in her best heels, that sends guilt ripping through my chest. I can’t be here. I need to get out, I need—
There’s a strong hand on my elbow and Jack leans forward, all charm and confidence. ‘Meredith, you look lovely tonight. Great shoes. Do you think I can steal your daughter for just a minute?’
Then he whisks me away. I’m grateful. He tugs me into the little alcove which is intended as a reading nook with its bookshelves and armchair and overhanging gold lamp. Neither of us sits down though. Jack’s eyes are searching my face. ‘What the fuck, Elodie?’
I swallow around the lump in my throat. ‘I let Margot believe I have a book deal.’
His eyes widen. ‘Why? Why would you do that?’
‘Because!’ I say, louder than intended. I glance over his shoulder at the party going on just a few feet away, then drag my gaze back to his furious one, and lower my voice. ‘Because Margot has a book deal. She’s never even wanted to write. I was so humiliated and I … I didn’t want her to see what a failure I am so I just … I …’
‘Lied,’ spits Jack.
I nod. God, it sounds ridiculous. That stab of regret is back, sharper this time. I should’ve corrected her. ‘I didn’t think it was going to get this far. I didn’t think—’
‘Well, it has.’ Jack is angry. ‘All these people. Your parents …’
‘I know.’
He sighs softly. ‘You’re trembling.’
‘This is my fault. I need to fix it. I need to tell them the truth, I …’ But my parents are so proud, so happy, how can I tell them it’s all a lie? How can I tell a roomful of people, everyone I love?
As though reading my thoughts, he shakes his head. ‘You can’t. We need to style this out.’
I blink, a mix of relief and guilt churning in my stomach, along with the glass of champagne I chugged.
He grips my shoulders. ‘What were you going to tell Margot when you couldn’t actually produce a book?’
Ashamed, I look down at my feet. ‘I was going to tell her the contract fell through.’
Silence. When he doesn’t respond, I look up and see his raised brow.
‘What?’ I say.
‘Just didn’t think you were that deceptive, Fray.’
I press my lips together. ‘Thanks.’
‘So we get through tonight, then, later, we tell them the contract folded.’
I nod.
‘You never know,’ he says kindly, ‘maybe Harriers will come back and want one of your pitches.’
A fresh wave of pain crashes over me. He doesn’t know all three have just been rejected. I open my mouth to tell him when Ada calls my name. Jack and I instinctively take a step back as she approaches.
‘You’re missing your party,’ she says. ‘Come join the fun.’
I spend the rest of the evening lying through my teeth. I haven’t seen Katie, Olivia and Ivy in months. People say misery loves company, but I’m not convinced company loves misery. We met up once after Noah’s death and it was too much for them.
‘I mean, you never think you’re actually going to get a book deal, but Lara’s always said I was a good enough writer to succeed,’ I tell them now, sprinkling my lie with a little truth.
They nod and smile, excited for me. They ask me endless questions: ‘When will it be out?’， ‘Are you having a launch party?’， ‘How much did they offer? Go on, tell us, please tell us!’， ‘Do you get to pick the cover?’， ‘What will you do if you hate it?’
I lie and lie and lie. ‘Oh, not sure, we don’t have a concrete release date yet. Yes, of course I’ll have a launch party. I know, it is exciting, isn’t it? Oh no! I couldn’t possibly say how much my advance is – you know me, I don’t kiss and tell. No, I can’t pick the cover but that’s okay. It’s okay. Everything’s great.’ I gesture madly as each gurgle of fiction leaves my mouth, as though I am a clown making balloon animals out of the deception I have weaved tonight.
Then Ruby is in front of me, a hand on her bump and a forced smile on her lips. ‘Great news about the book. Big surprise! You must be so happy.’