If this was the best thing for both of us, why was it so, so hard?
I got off even later than usual. There had been a mass casualty situation at work, a multi-car pileup. A seven-year-old had died, and I’d had to tell the family.
It was one of those days when I wished even more than usual that I could go be in Wakan with Daniel. That I could lie in bed with him, whispering in the dark, letting him brush the hair off my forehead and kiss me. Feel the rumbling in his chest while he told me that it was going to be okay. He’d make sure I ate, even though I wouldn’t want to. Put me in one of his T-shirts while he’d cook me dinner, and Hunter would have his chin in my lap.
But I would never feel that safe and cared for again. I wouldn’t find that kind of love a second time. I wouldn’t even try. I knew how lucky I was to even have had it once.
I would be single for the rest of my life. No kids, no marriage. I didn’t want it with anyone else. I would be my career now. I would finally be what Dad wanted. Nothing but a Montgomery—and a good one too. One without any distractions.
And the legacy would die with me.
Derek wouldn’t be back, and I would never have an heir. In their lack of foresight, my parents had effectively set into motion the destruction of the one thing they cared most about.
I think they still thought I’d get back with Neil. Marry him, have children who’d grow up under the same abusive dynamic I had, with a narcissistic, controlling father and a mother too worn down to protect them.
It would never happen.
This was the price of their prejudice.
Grace would have cost them nothing.
I walked into my dark bedroom and dropped my bag on the floor. I peered around tiredly.
I hadn’t moved any of Daniel’s things. The heart-shaped rock was where I’d left it. The last hoodie I’d stolen from him was still draped over my chair. I stood there now, staring at it.
It would still smell like him. I could put it on and climb into bed and imagine that he was holding me.
And then I wondered if he was holding someone else. Seeing other people already. Trying to move on like he should. I pictured Doug dragging him to bars, getting him on a dating app.
Maybe some other girl was wearing his hoodies now.
It kicked the legs right out from under me.
Most days I was strong. I was able to live with the choices I had made. The choices I was forced to make. I could fight the urge to call him and hear his voice. I could stay away.
But not today.
Chapter 35
Daniel
I felt like a different person.
Like I’d aged a century since the last time I saw her. I felt more like Pops than myself. I was bitter and sick of everything. And every day I got worse instead of better.
Losing Alexis would alter me forever. Like the rings in a tree, you could open me up fifty years from now and see when it happened, see the damage. I was ruined. I’d never be as good ever again.
I didn’t laugh anymore. I didn’t want to see anyone. Doug and Brian circled me constantly, but I was a bear to be around. I felt bad about it, so I stopped answering the door when they came over.
The only good thing that had happened since Alexis left me was that I’d raised the money for the house. The sale had just been finalized two days ago.
I’d put up the last of my custom pieces for twice what Alexis had charged her friends. Three times as much, four times as much. Because I didn’t care. I didn’t care if people bought them. I didn’t care if they didn’t. I didn’t even care if I saved the house. And the funny thing was, the higher I priced them, the more people seemed to want them. They just paid it. So I raised the money and became a successful carpenter overnight, a homeowner. And the victory was so hollow, I didn’t even care that I’d done it, because I didn’t want any of it without her.
She was the one. I’d had four months to make her know it too, and I’d failed. Now I would live with that failure for the rest of my life.
I didn’t need to keep running Grant House as a B & B, now that I was making so much with my carpentry. And that was good, because I couldn’t stand to step foot in it. Not without her. I couldn’t look at the snow-covered landscape on the stained glass on the landing or the roses on the banister or the mosaic around the fireplace because it was where I’d fallen in love with her, and that was so painful for me now, I couldn’t lay my eyes on it. So I shut the house down and left it vacant.
I was driving by Doug’s place with Hunter on the way back from hauling some stuff to the dump and decided to stop. I knew if I didn’t make at least a few appearances, they’d never lay off me. I didn’t tell him I was coming. Just sat on his porch until he saw my truck outside.