But mostly I hated Neil. If he hadn’t turned into such a horrible human being, I might be happy right now. I might have married him, and he would have taken my name and he could have been The One so I didn’t have to. And then everyone would have had what they wanted. Because right now the only way everyone could have what they want was for me to decide to be miserable.
I felt instantly claustrophobic, like the walls of this house were shrink-wrapping around me. I couldn’t breathe.
A primal urge to run pulsed through my body. I bolted for the garage door, and I knew exactly where I was going.
I wanted to see Daniel.
I wanted his muddy dog to jump on me and I wanted to play with a baby goat and I wanted to be in a place with warm, soft furniture and let someone easy and good hold me in a town that asked me for nothing.
I put on the mud boots that I’d left at the garage door and I got in my car without even grabbing my overnight bag.
I listened to Lola’s fourth album the whole way there, cranked up to deafening. She must have been in the same head space as me when she made it because it was very “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette—which was perfect, because it matched my fury.
I didn’t call Daniel to let him know I was coming.
For one, I was a sniveling mess for most of the drive, and I didn’t want to dump on him the second he picked up the phone. I needed to gather myself before I talked to him—or anyone.
But two? I wanted to just show up. I wanted to see if he was alone, see how he responded to me popping in unannounced.
It was irrational and childish. I had no claim on him at all. But he’d said he wasn’t seeing anyone else, and I wanted to catch him in a lie. I almost wanted Daniel to let me down. I had to see if he was who he said he was, if he was honest. If I got there and he had some other woman at his place, at least I’d know who he was now instead of later like I had with Neil.
When I pulled into the driveway, Daniel was in the garden. I watched his head pop up and the grin spread across his face, and my mood instantly lifted. I got out of my car, and Hunter bounded over with Chloe running behind him in her pink pajamas. I caught the dog, laughing. He let out his signature rooooooo! while Daniel closed the space between us.
“You’re here.” He smiled over his dog.
“I am.”
He didn’t skip a beat. He gathered me into him and leaned down and kissed me, and it was like a part of my brain shut off. The part that was stressed and worried and angry.
He pulled away an inch and whispered against my lips. “You should call me before you come though.”
All the parts switched back on.
I took a step back, dropping my hands from his chest. “Oh. Right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t just show up like this.”
He smiled. “I love that you showed up like this. But at least give me a heads-up so I can shower.” He gestured to his dirty clothes. “And so I can have food ready for you.”
The relief must have shown on my face, because his brows drew down. “Why did you think I wanted you to call first?”
I didn’t answer.
Realization moved across his expression. “Did you…did you think I was going to have a girl here or something? I told you I wasn’t talking to anyone else.”
I hugged my arms around myself. “That’s none of my business—”
“I’m not seeing other people,” he said.
The corner of my lip twitched.
Then his amused expression fell. “Are you seeing other people?”
I shook my head. “No.”
He grinned. “Good.” He leaned in to kiss me again, and I pulled my face back.
“If you wanted to see other people, that would be okay.”
His smile fell. “Why would I want that?”
I tucked my hair behind my ear. “You know, we never really talked about this, Daniel. Maybe we should set rules.”
He studied my expression. “Okay.”
“So what rules do you want?” I asked.
“You really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“I want to be your boyfriend.”
It punched me right in the heart, and my stomach did a somersault. But my brain shot it down.
He wants to be my boyfriend? Why? I’m too old. Too old for him anyway. I live too far away, our lives are too different.
What did he want with me?
It was almost na?vely sweet. Like when a kid says they want to be an astronaut or a ballerina when they grow up. And then of course you get older and you end up doing something else that actually makes sense.