Maybe he just meant that he didn’t want us sleeping with other people? That he wanted to be exclusive? That I could understand.
I realized, almost in that moment, that I really didn’t want him to see other people either. Even the thought of him hugging someone else launched me into an internal fit of jealousy so sudden it shocked me.
If I’d shown up here and he’d been with another woman, it would have devastated me. I didn’t even realize it until just now. Looking at his open face, feeling his warm arms around me, something inside of me screamed MINE.
But it wasn’t fair to make him mine. Because I could never be his.
A boyfriend came with expectations. He’d want to meet my family, be with me for holidays, my birthday, his birthday. He’d want to come to my house, know my friends. And I couldn’t do any of those things. Ever. It felt unfair to let him decide not to date anyone else when this would never go anywhere.
“Daniel, I don’t want a boyfriend right now,” I said. “I don’t have room in my life for that.”
I thought I saw a flicker of disappointment cross his face, but he gave me a smile. “That’s okay. We don’t need titles. We can just agree that we’re exclusive and not doing anything else but this right now. I don’t have time for much more anyway.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He smiled. “Okay.”
I should have been happy that I was getting what I wanted—monogamy without any of the strings. But I somehow felt disappointed anyway.
He leaned in and kissed me, and all my thoughts on this evaporated.
He had my face in his rough hands, and I could taste something fruity on his tongue. He wanted to shower, but I was glad he didn’t. He smelled like Daniel. Like a combination of the fresh earth he’d been digging in and the cedar of his workshop and clean sweat.
He started to pull away, but then seemed to decide he wasn’t done, and he kissed me again.
Ugh, this boy. I wanted to climb into him, merge with his body.
Daniel transported me. Everything about being here and being with him was a break from reality. He was closing open tabs on a laptop in my brain one at a time until he was the only thing on the screen. I felt Neil, my dad, and Royaume Northwestern fade into oblivion at the edges of my mind, and then disappear with a blip.
It was amazing that someone so wrong for me had this ability. Despite the incompatibility of our lives, he had this effect on me. I wondered distantly if we’d known each other in a former life and we’d found each other again. If that’s why he was so familiar…
Only this time I’d been born too soon and into a different level of a caste system that he couldn’t scale. It made me a little sad.
This relationship would never expand. It would never take a deep breath and pull in those around us. It wouldn’t fill its lungs with my people and my life.
It would just be this. Only this.
And it wouldn’t last.
He broke away smiling. “I’m going to go get cleaned up. Then we’ll go get something to eat. Do you want to give Chloe her bottle while I’m in the shower?”
I nodded against his mouth, breathless.
When he was ready, he didn’t drive us to Jane’s like I thought he would. He drove us to the little family-owned grocery store.
I realized on the drive that I was actually okay with the idea of eating at Jane’s with Daniel, with everyone in the town there to see. Partly because it was my own fault that I didn’t let him make other plans. But the other part was that even though I knew technically Daniel was just a guy I was having sex with, it had evolved into something less scandalous over the last few weeks. I guess it felt more like we were dating than just hooking up.
With a jingle, he opened the door of the grocery store for me. He waved at Brian, who was checking someone out, and then he turned to me. “Okay. You didn’t give me any time to plan anything for your visit, so we’re going to get creative. We’re going to play a game.”
I arched an eyebrow. “A game?”
“Yup. A very serious game. The rules are binding.”
“Binding, huh?”
“Binding. Rule number one.” He paused for dramatic effect. “Never get involved in a land war in Asia.”
“Daniel!”
He was laughing. “I’m kidding!” He ticked off on his fingers. “No substitutions, no backing out, and you have to try everything we get. Those are the rules. Do you agree to the terms?”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t know…I think I need more information.”