We ran through the living room and into the bedroom to chaos.
There were half a dozen people in the room. Liz was standing by the nightstand holding a phone to her ear and another one on video call. Doug was by the door, and a very pregnant Hannah was sitting up in the bed, sweaty and flushed.
Doug looked exasperated. “Hannah, just let me look!”
She shot him a glare. “Doug, I will hold this baby in until literally anyone who is not you shows up to deliver it. You are not seeing my vagina today. That is not how this ends!”
“I’m a medic, Hannah!”
“You don’t deliver babies in the army!”
“I’ve delivered goats!”
“GET THE FUCK OUT!” She grabbed an alarm clock and hurled it across the room. Doug pivoted just in time, and it hit the wall next to him with a crash, raining shrapnel into an already mounting pile of broken objects.
Hannah clutched the blankets and screamed in pain.
Liz saw me. “The doctor’s here!”
Doug looked over at me, relieved. “Thank fucking God.” He smacked a box of disposable gloves into my hands. He glanced back to the patient. “Seeing your hoo-ha is not my idea of a good time either, Hannah!” He turned back to me. “I’m outta here. Call me if you need help,” he mumbled, edging past me.
I washed my hands and forearms in the adjacent bathroom and then made my way to the bed, putting on gloves. “Hannah, I’m Dr. Alexis. Do you know how far apart your contractions are?”
She shook her head, her eyes squeezed shut.
I turned to Daniel. “I’m going to need everyone who isn’t one of the parents to leave the room.”
A worried-looking young woman sitting at the edge of the bed raised her hand. “I’m Hannah’s wife.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Emelia.”
“Emelia, you stay. Liz, did you get me those things I asked for?”
She nodded and pointed to the towels. “The water is boiling. Doug already started it before you asked.”
“Okay, I need you to boil the scissors for me for five minutes. Bring them to me as soon as they’re done. Be careful, they’ll be hot. Put them on a clean plate to cool.”
She nodded quickly, handed the phone on the video call to Emelia, and left the room. When I heard the door click, I lifted the sheet. “I’m going to check your cervix, okay?”
Hannah opened one eye and nodded through a contraction with tight lips. I waited until it passed before I started my examination.
“Any complications with the pregnancy?” I asked.
Emelia shook her head. “No.”
“Gestational diabetes? High blood pressure?”
“No. She’s healthy. The baby is healthy,” Emelia said, her eyes wide.
Hannah was ten centimeters and fully effaced.
“All right, Hannah? We’re not going to have time for the ambulance,” I said. “We’re going to push on the next contraction.”
But Hannah shook her head. “No. No no no no, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. I have a birth plan. I have a…I’m supposed to have an epidural!”
“I know,” I said calmly. “But what’s important right now is getting the baby out safely. And since we don’t have any way to monitor the baby, we can’t wait. The baby could be in distress, and we need to get them out here with us so I can check on them, okay?”
She looked terrified, but she nodded.
“Where would you like Emelia, Hannah? Holding your hand? Or watching the birth?”
Hannah was crying. “I want her to watch.”
I nodded. “Okay. Emelia, you can come stand here with me.”
Emelia came around, still holding the phone on the video call with the triage nurse.
“Do you two know what you’re having?” I asked conversationally.
Hannah shook her head.
I began tucking towels under her. “What names have you picked out?”
Emelia’s voice shook. “Um, Kaleb if it’s a boy, and Lily if it’s a girl.”
“Good names.” I smiled. “You ready to meet Kaleb or Lily?”
Hannah nodded.
I saw her body tense with another contraction. “Okay, ready? Here we go. Big breath in and hold it, and we’re pushing for ten seconds. One, two, three—good job—four, five, making good progress…seven, eight, nine. Gooood.”
Hannah gasped with the pain.
“I know it hurts,” I said. “But just think, now you’ll know what it feels like for a man with a cold.” Jessica’s favorite delivery line.