He smiles at her. “I’d prefer you do everything naked.”
She turns back to me with pursed lips. “Ten years of marriage, and he’s still the Energizer Bunny.”
I try not to choke on the sip of water I’m taking. Under the table, Aidan squeezes my thigh. I know he’s smirking without turning to look.
The waitress returns with our drinks and takes everyone’s food orders. When she’s gone, Jake, Deb, and I chat about nothing in particular while Aidan watches us silently. His hand still rests on my thigh, a warm reminder that I’ve got some groveling to get to later. And after that, when I’m alone, some serious self-reflection.
I told Aidan that what I wanted was to get to know him better. To spend time with him and see where it goes. That was the truth, but was it the whole truth?
Do I really want something more?
If I’m honest with myself…yes.
The thought of it scares me. I don’t understand how I could possibly be ready to jump head first into a commitment so soon after Michael’s death. What does that say about the kind of person I am?
What does it say about my marriage?
These are questions I don’t really want to know the answers to. But in fairness to both Aidan and myself, they need to be asked.
“Don’t you think, Kayla?”
I suddenly realize everyone is waiting for me to answer a question Deb has asked. But I’ve been so lost in my own thoughts, I don’t know what it is. I glance around the table, my cheeks growing hot.
“Sorry, what was that?”
Deb hesitates. When she glances down at my left hand, resting on the tablecloth, I realize I’m obsessively twisting my wedding ring around my finger with my thumb. I pull my hand under the table and swallow nervously, hoping Aidan didn’t catch it, but knowing he probably did.
And why the fuck am I still wearing the damn thing? What am I holding onto?
More questions that require answers.
Deb says gently, “I was just saying we girls need to stick together.”
It’s obvious that’s not what she was saying. She’s being kind, letting me know that she can tell I’m a big mess, but that she’s pulling for me.
Jake, on the other hand, is giving me a steely stare. He’s not cutting me any slack. He turns to Aidan and asks him how the house build is going, an obvious ploy to move the conversation in a different direction.
They talk about the project while I sit and listen in uncomfortable silence, every once in a while offering a tight smile in response to a worried glance from Deb.
This is a disaster. I’m a disaster. I can’t even pull off a ten-minute conversation with other people without making a fool of myself. I’ve probably embarrassed poor Aidan in every way the man could be embarrassed, first assuming his best friend’s wife is a fuck buddy, then toying with my wedding band and spacing out about my husband.
I shouldn’t be here.
The moment that thought crosses my mind, Aidan drapes his arm over my shoulders and gives me a squeeze.
Flooded with emotion, I swallow and look down, blinking rapidly to clear the water from my eyes.
Deb says, “I’ve got to go to the little girls’ room. Kayla, want to join me?”
The woman is a saint.
I nod gratefully, then stand and follow her away from the table, feeling Aidan’s gaze on my back as I go.
As soon as we’re inside the ladies room and the door closes behind us, I lean against the sink, cover my face with my hands, and exhale hard.
Deb rests a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. He understands.”
I drop my hands and look at her helplessly. “Understands what? That I’m a moron?”
Deb’s brown eyes are as kind as the rest of her. She smiles gently at me and says, “Oh, honey. Aidan’s been through hell, too. He knows the only way to get through it is to keep going until you reach the other side. You’ll get there. You just have to trust the process.”
She turns and locks herself into a stall. I stand staring at the closed door until the toilet flushes and she reemerges. As she stands at the sink to wash her hands, I say, “He really has told you all about me.”
She pulls a paper towel from the dispenser on the sink. Drying her hands, she nods. “It isn’t often Aidan likes someone, so you’ll have to forgive me for getting excited. We haven’t been on a double date with him in years.”
She tosses the crinkled paper in the trash, then steps past me and pulls open the bathroom door. “Come on, girlfriend. If we stay in here much longer, they’ll start to worry and come looking for us. And trust me when I tell you that’s not something we want to happen.”