“What do you mean?”
Her eyes slide from the journal to my face. The color of her irises looks more vibrant than ever, the blue flecks shifting from sapphire to aqua.
My heart pounds in my chest as I wait for her response.
“You can’t wish for something I already have.”
I never thought one sentence could carry this much meaning. It’s like Chloe set off a serotonin bomb in my brain.
She smiles wider at whatever look I have on my face. “I love you. I’m so in love with you. The kind of love that does leave me desperate in a way that makes me think I’m going crazy.”
I stand and pull her into me, landing a soft kiss against her lips. “Say it again.”
“I love you, Santiago Alatorre.”
“I’ll never get used to you saying it.”
Her smile drops a fraction. “I don’t know whether to be afraid or happy.”
“Stick with happy. Always happy.”
“I am, but I also can’t help being afraid,” she whispers.
“Why?”
“Because there are two kinds of loves out there.”
“Which are?”
“The love that flourishes and the love that kills.”
Something inside me withers away at her words, forcing reality to crash back down around me. It erases the elation I felt from Chloe’s admission of her love.
I desperately want to have the first kind of love with Chloe, but I can’t help worrying about the latter. Not because I would intentionally hurt her. There is only one thing threatening whatever we have built with each other. And secrets have a way of destroying the loveliest things, and I wonder if mine is the most deadly of all.
43
Chloe
Something about Matteo is off today. I can’t put my finger on it, but he barely looks at me. It’s as if he’s not really here, even though I sit on the couch across from him. It was weird at first when he lacked any kind of enthusiasm as I showed him photos of me growing up. The notion stung, but I chalked it up to him not feeling well. But now, he doesn’t even smile when he talks about Giovanni. And I know how much he loves Giovanni.
“Are you okay?” I fidget with my hands.
He shakes his head as if it can make whatever he is thinking about disappear. “No.”
I freeze. “What’s wrong?”
He sighs. His gaze penetrates me and pins me to my seat. “I have something to tell you.”
Oh, God. This can’t be good. The last time someone had something to tell me, I ended up in the back of a cop car because of Ralph.
“Yes?” I breathlessly whisper.
“I haven’t been fully honest with you.”
“What do you mean?” I somehow get the words out despite the tightness in my throat. Every muscle in my body locks up, and I find it difficult to breathe easily.
Matteo doesn’t answer me. Instead, he lets out a sob as he breaks down. His body shakes as he hunches over and shields his face from me.
What the hell? With wobbly legs and a racing heart, I move to sit beside him on the couch and wrap my arm around his shoulder. I can’t stand by and watch him lose it without offering some kind of support.
“What’s the matter? You’re scaring me.”
He sniffles. “I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry. I didn’t want to tell you, but Santiago told me it’s the right thing, and he’s probably right. But I still don’t know how to do this, so give me a second.”
“Santiago?” I hiss.
Something ugly and dark bubbles within me, begging to be let out. What is happening, and what the hell has Santiago been hiding from me?
Matteo nods, wiping away a stray tear.
“Are you talking about another Santiago by chance?”
He shakes his head from side to side.
My stomach churns, and acid crawls up my throat. I swallow it back.
I don’t know what to ask about first. Why would Matteo and Santiago talk in the first place? What is upsetting Matteo enough to the point that he would cry?
Matteo doesn’t give me a choice in the matter. He steamrolls on, clearly gaining some kind of courage after his outburst. “Chloe, it kills me to do this to you. Shit, it kills me to have lied to you in the first place.”
My body feels like all the warmth was sucked out of me, replacing blood with icy water. “What do you mean by you lied?”
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, but…God. I’m not your father, Chloe.”
I laugh in a way that says I’m everything but mentally okay. Are we seriously going through this cycle again? With Matteo, it’s as if I take two steps forward before running a mile backward. “Yes, you are.”