‘Honestly?’ she asked. ‘It’s shit.’
He raised an eyebrow as if to say, ‘Thanks very much,’ and so she added, ‘No offence. Mum and Dad don’t know what to do, so they have decided to treat me as if I’m five. My hard-won stellar career is disintegrating with every week that goes by, and now the love of my life has decided that I’m not worth waiting for. And that’s on top of . . .’ She took a deep breath. ‘Well, that’s all on top of everything else I’m dealing with. So yes, it’s all pretty bad.’
There was a pause whilst Jez allowed what she had just said to settle on the table between them like dust from an explosion.
‘Could be worse,’ he said. ‘You could be dead.’
She might have replied that that would be preferable, but she knew he wouldn’t stand for any self-pity on her part, so instead she just nodded weakly.
‘So, what are you going to do?’ he asked her. ‘How are you going to fix it?’
The baldness of his question surprised her. In the whole time since the accident nobody, not even Dominic, had spoken to her so directly. Everyone else had pussyfooted around, talking in euphemisms and half-finished sentences as if, by not actually discussing the facts, they would somehow evaporate of their own accord. But Jez had known her forever. They had shared their first cigarette, their first stolen can of cider, their first kiss, and other firsts that she held close to her heart. And with that level of intimacy came the privilege of being able to cut out all the white noise and go straight to the pure ringing note at the situation’s heart.
‘I haven’t got a clue,’ she replied. ‘I have to get the flashbacks and the panics under control first. Then I can go home and get back to work, but I don’t know how long that will take. Plus, just to put a cherry on the top of the whole stinking pie, I’m now officially homeless because my ex-boyfriend has kicked me out of my flat. Technically his flat, to be fair, but still.’
Pip was surprised at how refreshing it was to express out loud what she was really thinking, instead of having to sugar-coat everything. When she spoke to her parents, she gilded every word. They were worried enough as it was, without her adding to their concerns by being overly candid.
‘Are they bad, the panics?’ Jez asked. He was looking directly at her, as if he were trying to judge the truth of her answer by what her eyes told him.
‘Bad enough,’ she said. ‘It’s the unpredictability that makes it so hard. I can go days and days without anything and then, bam, I’m right back where I started.’
Jez nodded as if he understood exactly. ‘My mate was in Iraq. He’s the same. It doesn’t matter what we say to him, about how it was a war, and that he was there to do a job, that shit happens. He just can’t deal with the guilt. They say it just takes time. Not sure how helpful that is, though.’
She shrugged, but then suddenly she didn’t want to think about herself and her problems any more.
‘Less of my doom and gloom,’ she said, trying to raise her face into a smile. ‘How about you? What have you been up to?’
‘Not nearly as much as you!’ he replied wryly. ‘I’m working on the farm, obviously. I love it, working outside. I thought for a bit that I should have gone to uni like everyone else, but I don’t think that now. And I’m as good as hitched.’
Waves of something that might have been jealousy washed over Pip. She didn’t want Jez or the life that he could offer, but the thought that he didn’t want her either snapped at her heart like a terrier.
‘Do I know her?’ she asked, although she really hoped that she didn’t.
Jez shook his head. ‘Teresa? I don’t think so. She manages one of the big hotels in town. She’s from Ipswich originally.’
‘And have you set a date?’ Pip asked lightly, hoping that her expression wasn’t giving away her odd sense of disappointment.
‘No. We keep putting it off. We can’t agree on what we want. She wants a huge do. Top hats and all that. I’d rather something a bit less flash. Your dad said we could have a marquee at the farm, which was decent of him, but Teresa wants a hotel.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m sure we’ll get there in the end.’
‘I’m sure you will,’ Pip replied, closing the subject down. She didn’t want to hear about Jez and his happiness any more than she had to. ‘So, tell me everything you know about the Mountcastles,’ she said.