His responding chuckle is relaxing, and it allows me to focus on my breathing as we sit quietly in my truck.
“Thank you. I think I’m okay now.” I start to pull away.
Tyler’s arms tighten, holding me in place. My ears catch his hard swallow. “I remember when Mila told me she was pregnant.” His voice has turned croaky, hollow. “I’d been out all night, helping search the dark for two teens who’d gone missing. Followed the tracks in the snow until the wind covered them. Then we had nothing to go by. Anyway, I got home feeling drained and defeated, and there she was, sitting at the kitchen table with a white plastic stick in her hand.” There’s another long pause. “I’ll never forget the look on her face when she held it up to show me. She knew how much I wanted kids. How happy I would be.”
Maybe I wasn’t the only one needing a moment to myself after watching the accidental announcement unfold. This time, when I try to pull away from Tyler, he allows it, though he keeps his arm around my shoulders. I smooth my hands over my cheeks to catch any wayward tears. “I’m sorry you had to go through what you did.”
His jaw is rigid as he swallows. His focus is on the tree line ahead as he asks, “So, if it’s not what I think it is, then what is it?”
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“You can.” A thumb and index finger pinch my chin, turning my face toward his. The raw sincerity in his expression squeezes my heart and loosens my tongue.
I feel the words tumbling out. “Jonah’s my best friend, but I used to be in love with him.”
Tyler’s eyebrow twitches, the only reaction to my confession.
“He was my pilot when I’d fly to the villages in the west. We met when I was engaged to someone else and became good friends instantly. But I saw us ending up as more one day. I hoped we would end up as more, and I misread things.” I hesitate. “I left my fiancé for that possibility.”
He nods slowly, as if pieces are beginning to make sense. “The guy at the coffee shop that you didn’t want to be talking to.”
“Yeah. He didn’t take it well, obviously. Anyway, Jonah met Calla and fell in love with her, she moved here to be with him, they got married. And now they’re having a baby, and that’s that.” It sounds so simple.
“And you’re still in love with him?”
“No.” I laugh. “I still love him, but not like that anymore. No, that started to fade when I realized that whatever I thought was there … wasn’t. I’m happy for him. Really, I am. Even though it might not look like it right now. He asked me to be his best man at their wedding, and I did because I wanted to. I was honored to be there. I just—” I falter as the lump flares and the tears burn again. “I’m lonely.” Those words … God, I hate admitting that out loud. It makes me feel pathetic.
“Everyone around me is moving forward with their lives. Getting married, having kids, and here I am, thirty-eight, alone and without any prospects.” Liz’s voice echoes in my mind. “I want children. I want children. And a husband. I want that in my life. And there’s this clock ticking, and it’s getting louder and louder every day, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. The idea that someone will come along in time doesn’t seem real anymore. What if Jonathan was it, and I blew it?” I’m rambling without any filter now. This is by far the most candid and vulnerable I’ve ever been with anyone, and I can’t believe it’s with this guy.
“You have enough friends,” he whispers. “That’s what you meant.”
We’re too far down the path of embarrassing truths for me to turn back now. “I thought we clicked. You know, during the race. Not so much before the race.”
He snorts.
“But I guess I completely misread things, again.”
He rubs my shoulder gently. “You didn’t misread anything.” His eyes flip to my mouth before he averts his gaze. “You’re the first woman I’ve kissed since Mila.”
“And you thought I was her while you were doing it.”
“Yeah. Not going to lie, that was a rough wake-up.” He purses his lips. “There I was, running Mila’s dogs, and kissing another woman. Ready to do a lot more than kiss. The whole back half of the race, I felt guilty.”
“She wouldn’t understand?”
“She would. She’d want me moving on by now. The problem is, it’s been two years, and I still haven’t figured out how this could ever have happened to us. How the hell do I figure out how to move on?”