He hung his head and shook it. “You won’t be impressed,” he said. “She was seductive, available, I didn’t care… I’m not proud of that. And I apologized, but my apology isn’t going to change anything.”
“So, you’ll be getting married I suppose?”
“No, we won’t. When I left here last week and told you I’d call—I got home to this hysterical message from her and I went to her…”
“Well, I guess you had to… It’s not as though there are consequences now.”
“Vanni, I didn’t sleep with her. I’ll never sleep with her again. I went to make sure she didn’t do anything to herself, to the baby. I went to talk her down. That’s what tied me up—the reason I didn’t call. This woman and I—we don’t have anything together except this. I didn’t even talk to her last year from October to February. But if she is having a baby and if it is my baby, I have to take care of her. Them. I have to. You understand that, don’t you?”
“If?” Vanni asked.
“She said she was on the pill. I wore a condom. Seems like there’s still an outside chance this could be a mistake. Probably not, but who knows? It’s early. I wanted to wait until I knew for sure before…”
“God, you men just can’t keep it in your pants, can you?” she said in disgust.
“Well, you can damn sure believe it’s behind locked doors now! You think I didn’t learn an important lesson there? Now I want you to tell me something, Vanni. You and the doctor? Is that a done deal? Do you love him?”
“Not that it’s your business, Paul,” she said indignantly. “He cares for me very much.”
“And you? You care for him very much?”
“What’s the difference? You’re having a baby!”
“Yeah, it sort of looks that way. But I’m not having a wife. I’m not having a girlfriend or a lover.”
“This baby will be your priority.”
“Wouldn’t little Mattie? Because, Vanni, if you make a baby, whether you meant to or not, you raise a child. That’s how it is.”
“This woman, Paul. She must want you to marry her.”
“I’m not going to marry her, Vanessa—that would be cruel. She deserves a husband who loves her, not a man who’s in love with another woman.”
She frowned slightly. Her mouth stood open. He took a step toward her and she took a step back. The fence of the corral came up against her back. “What are you saying?”
“Here I’ve been treating you with these kid gloves,” he said. “Afraid you couldn’t be approached because of your grief, afraid I’d spoil my chances with you by moving too fast. And it turns out I wasn’t fast enough. But, Vanni, everything I saw told me you weren’t ready—being annoyed with Carol for her fix-up, crying at the grave…” He took another step toward her and she looked up, way up, into his warm brown eyes. He lowered his face closer to hers, gripping her chin in his thumb and forefinger, lifting her chin. When he spoke, she could feel his breath. “Vanessa, I’ve been in love with you forever.”
“How was I supposed to know that?” she asked in a shocked whisper.
“You weren’t supposed to know it.” His other hand was on her waist, his lips close to hers. “You were married to my best friend—you know I’d never hurt Matt like that. Never. It would have been a betrayal for you to even guess how I felt.”
“But—”
“That first night, I pointed you out to Matt. You were so beautiful, so full of life and energy, I couldn’t even get up the nerve to talk to you. I’ve never really loved a woman before. I haven’t since, and I tried. I tried. I wanted to be over you because I could never have you. I should have told you how I felt before I left right after the baby was born. But I was afraid you’d be…I don’t know. Shocked. Horrified. That you would think the worst of me, loving my best friend’s wife, that you’d never trust me again. I was afraid you’d hate me. And then the general would shoot me.”
A tear escaped and ran down her cheek. “And now you’re going to be a father,” she said in a breath.
“Yeah, that seems to be the case. And if I’m going to be a father, I’ll be the best one I know how to be.” He wiped the tear away. “I’d love to be a father to Mattie, too. You know I love him. Vanni, you have to believe me—I never wanted anything bad to happen to Matt. He was my brother.”