She shakes her head. “No, it was. Because here I thought that we—that we were in a good place, but we weren’t. Do you realize how much courage it took me to ask you to do those naughty things? That’s not me, JP. That’s not the person I am, and then to be standing in front of you, completely naked, only for you to turn me down . . .” She chokes up. “It broke a piece of me.”
“Baby, it’s not that I didn’t want you. I always want you.”
“Not last night. And when I thought that maybe it was just because I was drunk, that maybe I turned you off, you didn’t even hold me to reassure me. You were cold. Distant. Do you know the kind of damage that does to a woman? You can’t do that, JP. You can’t fucking do that.”
Fuck.
I step toward her, but she holds up her hand. “Don’t. Please don’t touch me, because I know if you do, I won’t be able to say what I want to say. I’ll just want to curl into you and wish that none of this happened. But it did happen. And then . . . then I hear about this email you sent to a bunch of women.”
“Before we were together,” I say quickly. “I was hurting so fucking bad for you. I wrote it that night I got wasted. I didn’t even know I did it, which I know sounds terrible, but it was after you went out with Derek and I . . . I didn’t know how to handle it. It meant nothing.”
“That’s what Lottie believed to have happened and I believe you, I truly do, but it only added to the pain I was feeling, the sadness. It took everything in me to ignore the fact that you didn’t want me, that you didn’t wake up with me, that you were reaching out to other women, but that Jill girl . . .”
“I told you—”
“Where were you this morning?”
“With Breaker,” I say. “He called me at five.” I tug on my hair. “Fuck, I wanted to tell you this last night, but you were drunk and I didn’t think it would go over well. An online gossip website had the email submitted to them, they were going to publish it, and the article wasn’t fucking good. So, we spent last night and this morning making sure it went away. And we did, but I had to rush over to Breaker’s this morning for some negotiations. After that, I grabbed your favorite coffee, and that’s when I saw Jill. I was hoping you’d still be asleep by the time I got home, but because I’ve had shit luck the past twenty-four hours, you were awake. I swear, Kelsey, this has just been a complete shitshow that I wanted to tell you about. You have to know I wouldn’t cheat on you, that I . . . fuck, that I love—”
“Don’t.” She holds up her hand again. “Please don’t say that. Those words aren’t meant to save a relationship, they’re meant to fortify it. Don’t say it to make me feel better.”
“But it’s how I feel. You have to know that.”
She wipes at her eyes and turns away from me.
“Kelsey, please.”
Blotting at her eyes, she says, “I believe you, JP. I really do.”
Why do I feel like there’s a “but” behind that statement?
When she lowers her handkerchief, she looks me in the eyes and says, “I just need a second. Okay? My emotions are super heightened right now, and I don’t want to say something I’m going to regret. Can we just go back out there and celebrate our siblings getting married?”
“If that’s what you want,” I say.
She sucks in a sharp breath and says, “That’s what I want.”
“Okay.” I walk up to her and take her hand, but she gently tugs it away.
“No,” she says. “Let’s celebrate . . . separately.”
Panic clogs my throat as I choke out, “Wh-what do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, JP. I just need some space right now.”
“Please don’t do this, Kelsey.” Everything I’ve wanted is crumbling in front of me. “Don’t distance yourself from me. I need you, baby. Don’t you see that? I’d never do anything to hurt you. Last night was . . . fuck, I was trying to protect you. I was trying—”
She presses her hand to my chest. “Please, JP, just give me some time. There’s a full-on insecurity battle raging in my head right now, and I need to tackle that first before I do anything else.”
“You have nothing to be insecure about.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been looking for the right person to complete me. But no one would look my way, and if they did, it never lasted. I’ve been unlucky at love, and that’s damaging. It makes me think ‘What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want to be with me?’ I’ve wondered that for so long.”