“Is it just about the job or is it more than that?” she asked him gently, and he didn’t answer her for a minute.
“I told her it’s only a job,” he said in a raw voice.
“That must have been hard to hear. And is it true?”
“Not entirely,” he admitted. “Of course, it’s not just a job. No job is. I care about the Cheshire offspring too, although some of them annoyed me severely, for their lack of care for their parents in their final years, but I had no voice in it.
“Olivia is a woman alone. She’s strong but vulnerable. She’s had her share of disappointments and losses, like all of us. She just lost her mother, and the magazine she put her heart and soul into for ten years. She’s lost her anchor, and I told her that we’re very much alike.
“Because of what’s happened in our lives, neither of us seems able to attach to anyone. I’ve chosen a career that makes it impossible. There’s a reason why old-fashioned butlers never married in the old days, and people in service rarely did. It leaves you neither the time nor the energy to give to anyone if you do it right. You belong to the job and the family you work for, you are the job. I wonder now if I chose it because of that. It gave me an excuse never to get attached to anyone or tied down, except to my work. It would be a constant tug-of-war to be a married butler, or one with children. I know some people do it now, and live out, but they probably don’t do as good a job as the old butlers used to. Head housekeepers, head cooks, butlers, great nannies were always spinsters and bachelors. The ones who weren’t were giddy young girls sleeping with the footmen.”
“It’s an antiquated lifestyle, Joachim, from another century. I grew up in a house like that. It doesn’t exist anymore, and it probably shouldn’t. You can’t give up your life for a job, or your employer. It sounds like she did it for a magazine, not even a family.”
“She did it for the same reason I did. So she wouldn’t get hurt. Her magazine must have been a place to hide from having a life. Her mother was a married man’s mistress, and it sounds like he destroyed her life and she let him. He was Olivia’s father and she never knew it. Her mother never told her until after he died. She’s been hurt, so she protects herself, and doesn’t trust anyone.
“I’m no different. I was hurt by Javier, and the father who abandoned us, and even the grandfather who hurt you so badly and I never knew. It’s all connected, and it leaves some of us unwilling to risk our hearts. Olivia is like that too. It created a kind of unspoken bond between us. We are similarly flawed, and we respect or even admire each other. She’s a very smart, honorable, intelligent, kind woman. So, we became friends, no more than that. We feel safe with each other. But now the risks are too great. The price to pay would be too high if she got hurt, or you did. So, it’s time to move away from each other again. Olivia and I never attached, or allowed ourselves to, so there’s no torn flesh, no bleeding wounds. That’s the advantage of never getting too close,” he said in a tone that was almost bitter. “So, it becomes just a job, which is what I told her. And the friendship was a perk of the job, so that’s over too.” He said it matter-of-factly, as his mother watched him closely.
“The friendship was not a ‘perk of the job.’ It was a gift to both of you, and maybe the only form of love that either of you can tolerate. For the moment, at any rate. You’re both wounded people, but that doesn’t mean you will never attach to anyone, to her or someone else. I was wounded too when I met Francois. I did everything I could to discourage him and chase him away. He persisted for two years and refused to listen to me. He was my soul mate and he became the love of my life. Don’t cheat yourself of that one day, when it comes along. Don’t be a coward, Joachim.
“The reasons you list for being friends with her are the same reasons why people marry, and in many cases they marry for far less than that. You trust and admire each other. It’s a wonderful foundation for a friendship and could grow to be more one day. And you can’t just cancel the friendship when you leave the job, like a membership to a club or a library. You are scarred by your losses. So am I. So are we all. Francois loved me anyway, and I learned to love again. You are marked by your losses, and wounded, and losing Javier now is just one more loss for both of us. But you are not irreparably damaged. Don’t hide behind that. I don’t know this woman, but seen through your eyes, she appears to be a good person. Don’t run away too far, or too harshly, or you’ll regret it one day. It is never a good thing to leave people unkindly or even cruelly.”