He felt guilty now because he knew he had been unkind to Olivia, maybe even cruel when he told her it was just a job to him, which wasn’t true. But what else could he say? What point was there to staying linked to each other in some way when he had to leave now, and their lives were headed in opposite directions? All he was for her now was a danger, and a handicap. He disagreed with his mother on one thing. He knew that he was damaged, but he believed he was irreparably so. And perhaps Olivia was too. He was not willing to take the risk of caring about anyone, or no more than he had with Olivia. He hadn’t wanted more than that and he was convinced that she didn’t either, despite his mother’s romantic notions. Whatever he had said to her, it was too late to fix it now. Olivia had become another casualty, part of the rubble left in the wake of his twisted, misguided, evil brother. And Joachim was convinced that no matter what the reason for their friendship, Olivia would be better off now without him. It was the last and only gift he could give her, to remove himself entirely from her life, no matter how he had to do it.
* * *
—
His parting from his mother was bittersweet and painful. He made her breakfast before she left for work, fighting bravely not to cry after she hugged and kissed him. He tidied up the apartment for a last time after she left and made it neat as a pin for her. He laughed softly after he did it, realizing that it would annoy her and she would claim that he had made something disappear or misplaced it.
He had the strange sensation as he was doing it that Javier was going to appear at any moment. It seemed inconceivable to him that his twin was finally gone forever, and nowhere on the planet. He kept expecting the doorbell to ring, or the intercom to buzz from downstairs, or a frantic pounding on the door, and Javier would be standing there, desperate, angry, broken, still rebellious, perhaps injured and bleeding, as he had been the last time Joachim had seen him. He wondered if he should have looked at his bullet-riddled body at the morgue to make sure he was dead but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He couldn’t have borne it. It would have been one blow too many. But if he had, maybe he would believe his twin was dead now. He still didn’t. Some part of him was still linked to Javier and always would be. Perhaps the tie that bound them even transcended death, which would be a terrible life sentence for Joachim. He could even imagine opening the door to Javier, and having him shoot him, or stab him, which was why he wanted to put distance between himself and their mother. If his associates believed that Javier was still alive, and they injured Joachim instead, he wanted his mother nowhere near that. The only way to protect her was to remove himself, since he was what would attract them. It was a curse now to be an identical twin. Maybe it always was, and he just hadn’t seen it.
He looked around his mother’s small, cluttered apartment for a last time before he left, and sent all his love to her in thought. He remembered Javier sitting on the couch with his gun, only days before. He thought of Olivia, and what he’d said to her the last time he saw her.
He couldn’t wait to get to England now, and to get lost in another job, so he didn’t have to think of all of it. He had his whole life packed into two suitcases, which he carried downstairs to his station wagon. He saw the plainclothes detective, dressed as a janitor, on duty to protect his mother’s home, and her when she came back later.
He pulled away from the curb with a heavy heart, thinking of those he loved and had loved and could have loved, leaving them all behind, as he headed north for the drive to England.
* * *
—
He was in London by the end of the day and gained an hour with the time difference from Paris. He went to his small flat, which he hadn’t used in months, and called the agency to let them know he was back, had left his temporary job, and was ready to take a job in England. They said they would get back to him and would check their books. Until then, they hadn’t put much energy into it, since they knew he had a temporary job in Paris, and he had been picky about what he would interview for. Joachim said that now he was willing to look more broadly. He bought fish and chips and ate in his room that night.