CLASSIFIED
Dear Mr. Pomeranz:
As I conclude my leave of absence, it is incumbent upon me to report my ongoing concern over the mental and physical health of my wife, Lulu Kisarian （Citizen Agent 3825）， who completed her mission nearly two years ago.
Some of the difficulty arises from the several surgeries Lulu has undergone to repair damage from the gunshot wound to her right shoulder （she is right-handed）， a hindrance to caring for our eight-month-old twins, whom she can lift only with difficulty. But my deeper worry is her mental state. She is convinced that spyware remains within her body, citing the following symptoms as evidence:
A tendency to think aphoristically in the second person, as required for her mission’s Field Instructions （e.g., “Laundered socks will vanish despite your best efforts to track them”; “Reading books about babies sleeping may not result in your babies sleeping more”）。
A persistent wish to return to her mission, despite its agonies, as if to a mythical land from a dream or a book.
A conviction that she—and I—would have been “better off” had she perished at the end of her mission rather than returning.
We have availed ourselves of every in-house resource in terms of therapy and body scans, but Lulu’s present distrust of our institution renders these assurances null. I understand that, after the exposé last fall and resulting suspension of the Citizen Agent program, seeking outside consultation is doubly impossible now. Yet this leaves us in a bind.
Lulu’s wariness and anxiety prevent our employing child care of any sort. The staunchest reassurance about vetting and references for babysitters or day-care programs prompt her to quote from her own indoctrination: “Your lack of espionage training is what makes your record clean and neutral.” And of course she is right.
The secrecy of Lulu’s mission has distanced her from old friends, and she avoids the company of other new mothers. For these reasons, my return must be conditional. I am not concerned for the children’s physical safety or Lulu’s own; I would not return at all if such were the case. But if her suffering and discomfort do not abate, I will have to take an indefinite leave to assist her.
Sincerely,
Joseph Kisarian
Henry Pomeranz→Joseph Kisarian
What a shit show, Joe. I’m so sorry.
Joe→Henry
There are beautiful moments with the babies, but Lulu is not herself.
Henry→Joe
Anything I can do to help? Other than file this letter?
Joe→Henry
I wish there were a way for her to communicate with other Citizen Agents. I believe her isolation is damaging.
Henry→Joe
Cuts across too many security firewalls, as you well know.
Joe→Henry
I helped to build them, yet I can’t remove them.
Henry→Joe
She thinks we’re using her to watch you? Is that it?
Joe→Henry
Her words on the subject are guarded, as if an enemy were listening. And this creates distance between us.
Henry→Joe
Christ.
Joe→Henry
My hope is that, on her own, Lulu will find a solution that she can’t when I’m beside her day and night. I have enormous faith in her resources.
Dolly Peale→Joseph Kisarian
Dear Jojo,
I’m looking forward to being in the apartment and helping Lu with the babies the first two weeks you’re back at work. But I’d also love your advice on how to become closer to Lu. There is a gap between us that must have to do with her service, which I know she can’t discuss. But looking back, I wonder if this gap had already appeared before she left. I am racked by worry and guilt over choices I made long ago, and wondering what I can do to help Lu—and us.