She chuckled in the darkness. ‘I’ve had sex with men but it never felt right. Then I realized I preferred women.’
I felt a throb of jealousy. ‘We shouldn’t put labels on it anyway.’
‘I’m not. I was just wondering about Lolly’s father, that’s all. I’ve always wanted children but I’m forty now.’
This surprised me. She looked younger. ‘Really? You don’t look it.’
She smiled in response. I nestled back down on the bed so that we were both under the sheet, facing each other. Shadows danced on the walls behind her.
‘Does it ever go away?’ I whispered into the darkness.
‘Does what?’
‘The guilt? For taking someone else’s life?’
She didn’t say anything at first and I wondered if I’d offended her. Then she said, her voice sad, ‘I’ll never forgive myself for what I did to Susan. I’ve paid the price. I did my time. I ruined my life. But I’ll never get over it.’
‘You were just a child. What’s my excuse?’
‘Love,’ she said softly, finding my hand under the sheet. ‘You did it for love.’
45
Lorna
Saffy stares at her mother with her mouth hanging open. ‘In the fireplace? Which one? We’ve got four in this house.’
‘I’ve already looked in that one,’ says Lorna, sheepishly, indicating the fireplace in the living room, then showing Saffy her dirty palms.
‘We used that one regularly when we first moved in,’ says Saffy, her lips twitching. ‘Anything left there would have been incinerated a long time ago.’ Tom ambles into the room and hands them both a mug of tea. Lorna’s drunk so much her mouth feels furred, but she accepts it anyway. Saffy takes hers from Tom and then he joins her on the sofa. Saffy’s looked sad since she came home from seeing her gran. She said she’s getting worse, and Lorna feels a tug of guilt that she didn’t accompany her today. She knows she needs to return to Spain soon: her boss won’t keep her job open for ever, not to mention her apartment and the unfinished business with Alberto. On the other hand she doesn’t want to leave Saffy and her mum. Her daughter’s words still sting when she thinks about them. She’d hate Saffy to think she was abandoning her.
Saffy jumps up. ‘Let’s check upstairs,’ she says.
‘We can’t be long,’ says Tom. ‘Didn’t you say we’re meeting Theo at two?’
‘We’ve got half an hour,’ says Saffy. ‘It’s important. Come on.’
Lorna is about to get up from the chair but then hesitates. ‘What will this evidence be? A murder weapon? A knife?’
Saffy puts her hands on her hips. Lorna can now see the clear outline of a bump. ‘Don’t be silly, Mum. He said some kind of paperwork. That’s what we’re looking for.’
Tom frowns but stands up too. ‘Why would Victor be so desperate to retrieve old paperwork? What could it possibly say that would tie him to a murder scene?’
‘Well, let’s find out,’ says Saffy, impatiently. She grabs Tom’s hand. ‘Come on.’
Lorna follows Saffy and Tom up the stairs, Snowy at their heels, barking excitedly, picking up on their adrenalin. They go into Saffy and Tom’s room first. The bed is unmade and Tom’s clothes from yesterday are thrown over the chair by the window. Saffy goes to the small wrought-iron fireplace.
‘I’ll do it,’ says Tom, rushing forwards. ‘I don’t want you straining yourself.’ Saffy and Lorna watch as he stands on tiptoe and feels around inside the chimney breast. Saffy shrieks and jumps backwards when he dislodges an angry-looking spider. ‘Nothing here,’ he says, shaking dust and cobwebs out of his hair.