I saunter away, as if nothing happened here at all, but I抦 dying inside as I hurry toward the elevator. Did I really just say, 揼ood day to you, sir?like we are gentlemen in Victorian-era Parliament? I抦 going to convince myself I imagined that part.
But the rest of it匞od, the rest of it. Ill-advised, yes, but I can抰 swear I抎 take it back.
22
Ben isn抰 at the meeting on Monday because of the case in Charlotte. I knew this, but it抯 still oddly disappointing, not seeing him across from me. I arrive early for once, since I slapped on my makeup in the car and didn抰 bother flat-ironing my hair.
There抯 no devil on my shoulder today, goading me and making me feel overcaffeinated. In its absence, I can抰 seem to stop yawning. Debbie prattles on, at length, about next weekend抯 firm retreat. There will be seminars, followed by activities and a black-tie party. I could still attempt to bring someone, I suppose, but it no longer matters all that much. Ben抯 trial is expected to last weeks, and he抯 not flying to California Saturday just to fly back Sunday. I wouldn抰 bring someone anyway梩he drive to prove him wrong or show him up is now completely lacking.
揇on抰 forget to sign up for your activities,?Terri reminds me as we leave.
揂ctivities??
揊or the retreat,?she says with a mildly exasperated laugh. 揂ll the good stuff is getting full. Hurry or you抣l be stuck with golf. And you need a dress for the black-tie thing.?
I抳e shown up like a good little associate for every single event this firm has ever held, and now梐t the biggest event of the year, with my promotion on the line桰抦 wondering if I can lie my way out of it entirely.
I make a weak attempt at doing my job, but I抦 distracted, and bored. For the first time in ages, I go online to my mostly abandoned Pinterest page, looking at all the things I chose for my future home梩he kitchen island painted navy, a beaded chandelier in the palest blue, the bleached heart of pine floors. When did I stop caring? Why didn抰 I ever consider buying my own place? I抳e got the money. I still want those things.
Maybe I just gave up hope of being anything more than I am. But today, with Ben absent, I realize I absolutely don抰 want to stay this way, either.
On Saturday morning, I drive up to Ojai for the retreat. Most of the associates arrived last night to be here bright and early today, but I chose not to, as I抦 not interested in being here at all. I go straight to the first of several windowless rooms to sit through the first of several dull talks桵aximizing Profitability Realization Rates, followed by Due Diligence Checklists and Record Keeping Management.
If Ben was here, I抎 text him when a reference is made to inappropriate client relationships and say I hope you抮e taking notes. And he抎 write me back something like you抮e so obsessed with that. Next time I抣l let you watch.
Fields mentions the retirement of Springer and Cleary, which would be exciting, except Ben抯 not here to say, 揑 can抰 wait until Craig makes partner. I抣l ask him to throw you some work.?
I miss his bullshit. I told myself he annoyed me, but I抦 now wondering if what annoyed me was the way it made me want to respond, to laugh, to keep the ball in play.
I fake a work call to get out of the afternoon 揻un?and avoid everyone until the last possible minute. When I venture downstairs for the evening梞y dress slinky and low-cut, more Keeley抯 style than mine桰 look better than I ever have, and it feels entirely meaningless. I抦 not five minutes in and I抦 already wondering if I can feign illness to get out of it.
I make polite conversation during the seated dinner, but otherwise say very little. I抳e tried the routine where you become best friends with your colleagues and know how meaningless those friendships are in the end. If I make a single mistake at FMG, my supposed friends will shun me the same way my friends at Stadler did, so why would I bother?
Afterward, I get some face time with each of the partners, just enough that no one can doubt I showed up, but by ten I am entirely over this whole experience. I抦 about to leave when Nicole corners me.
揇o you know what Ben抯 deal is??she asks.
揃en??I ask, brow furrowed. 揃en Tate??
I抦 trying a little too hard. There抯 only one Ben at our firm.
揧eah,?she says. 揕ike卛s he seeing anyone? I haven抰 heard any gossip about him in a while.?
The idea of Ben seeing someone makes me freeze inside. 揥hy would I know anything about Ben??I ask.
揥ell, I mean厃ou抮e always together,?she says. 揂nd you抮e the only person he talks to.?
I stare at her. 揟hat抯 not true. Ben talks to everyone.?
揂bout work, sure,?she says, rolling her eyes. 揧ou抮e the only one he厃ou know, seems to chat with.?