I hardly think Ben implying my vagina has teeth is the same thing as chatting, but what a strange way for her to perceive us.
揙h,?she says. 揝peak of the devil.?
I follow her gaze to the door, and my whole body goes loose and tight in the same moment.
Ben is here, tugging on his black tie as he scans the room. It抯 only when he sees me that he stops looking. And for a single moment, locked in his gaze, I feel absolutely complete.
People approach, slap him on the back, shake his hand, and he抯 still keeping me in his line of sight.
揑 can抰 believe he flew all the way back for this,?says Nicole.
I can抰 either. It抯 at least a five-hour flight, and a ninety-minute drive, and then he抣l have to do it all over again tomorrow when he returns.
揑t抯 a waste of resources,?I reply. And yet卆nd yet匢 have the stupidest, most pathetic desire to smile.
He抯 already surrounded, of course. Ben is, for better or worse, the star of our firm. The partners all think he will put us in the headlines. The associates think he抯 their ticket to bigger and better cases. And I know I should stop watching him but I can抰 seem to make myself do it.
揌e keeps looking over here,?Nicole says. 揑s my lipstick okay? I抦 going to say hi.?
Her lips are chapped and her lipstick is mostly smudged off aside from the bright red ring of her lipliner. It looks terrible. 揧es,?I reply, 搃t抯 great.?Not exactly my finest moment of supporting a fellow sister, but no one抯 a champion 24/7.
She saunters toward him, hips swaying, and a small fire starts in my chest. I consider following her except厀hat happens now, if I抦 one of the pathetic associates who sidles up beside him? He might reference our kiss or梬orse梟ot acknowledge it at all. Maybe he抣l forget about it, in the mad rush of adulation from our colleagues. Maybe he抎 have forgotten either way.
And I just卌an抰。 I can抰 live through that right now.
I cut through the crowd toward the exit, escaping into the empty hallway. Pinterest Gemma, the girl who wanted to see the world and decorate a home one day, would not approve, but Pinterest Gemma is someone who made tons of bad decisions and wound up with a broken heart.
When I reach my room, I strip off my dress and get in the shower, scrubbing the makeup from my face and telling myself I抳e done the right thing. The responsible thing.
I put on sleep shorts and a tank then grab my phone to plug it in厀hich is when I see the text, sent by Ben minutes ago, just as I was getting into the shower.
Ben: I flew across the country and drove over an hour, only to see you. I抦 heading to my room. #312. The door is unlocked.
I sink onto the bed. Is it true? Did he really come all the way here for me? And am I actually considering this? I picture him somewhere down the hall, stretched out, a tangle of sheets and bare skin, waiting for me. I picture what might happen if I did go梙is weight above me, the sounds he might make.
No.
The absolute last thing I抦 doing at this retreat is sleeping with a partner. Maybe he抣l be disappointed, but it抯 for the best because he抯 not what I want, and I抦 not what he wants, and this could never, ever end up being something I was glad I did.
I reach to turn off the light, and then it hits me: this chance might not come again. How many times, exactly, will he put himself out there before he just stops trying? And that thought is all it takes: I抦 out of bed again, grabbing a robe before I slip into the hallway. I hesitate outside his door for only a moment before I turn the handle and walk inside, padding toward him in bare feet. Moonlight filters through the curtains, provides just enough light to see him there in bed, shirtless. I stop in my tracks.
This is a terrible idea.
揋emma,?he growls. 揅ome here.?
It抯 a demand, not a request. It should hasten my exit from his room, but instead my feet are moving toward him. When I reach his side, he pulls me down to the bed, on top of him, as if he can抰 wait the extra few seconds it would have taken me to get there on my own.
I stare at him in shock, and his gaze locks with mine as he winds his fingers through my hair. I expect him to smirk, to look irritatingly victorious, but instead卙e抯 relieved.
As ridiculously overconfident as he appears, he flew across the country and drove to Ojai for this, for me, with no idea at all if it would work. And he wanted it to work梖rom the feel of him, hard as steel beneath me梙e really wanted it to work.
I lean down and press my lips to his梩he lightest brush. He groans, as if he抯 been waiting a very long time for me to do it, and his hands press to my scalp, bringing my mouth back to his before I can pull away.
He抯 still kissing me as he rolls me to my back, as his hands graze my rib cage, my breasts, before gripping the hem of my tank. 揟ake this off,?he demands, pulling it overhead. We are both naked from the waist up now. It抯 decadent, how good it feels to be like this with him, skin to skin. I think of that night on his desk, and the memory has me clenching, as if he抯 already inside me.