“Where would you like to go, Hayden?” Hans asks me.
“Home, please.” I sigh.
His eyes meet mine in the rearview mirror, and he gives me a sad smile. “As you wish.”
One month later
I sit cross-legged on the floor as I stare out the window. The sky is gray.
The clouds are full as I watch it come down.
Does it ever stop raining in this godforsaken place?
It has rained every single day that I’ve been here, and like a plant, I’m dying without the light.
The life is seeping out of me. A heavy blanket weighs on my shoulders, and I can’t shake it off, no matter how hard I try.
Every day is the same.
I can’t go out; I’m followed. I can’t lie in the sun, because there is no fucking sun. I can’t feel the earth beneath my feet because there is no earth.
All I do . . . is wait for Christopher to come home so that I can feel whole again.
Something is missing . . . everything is missing. But somehow everything is whole.
We’re together. I’m with Christopher, the love of my life, supporting him and his important job. I should be happier than ever before.
But I’m not.
I find myself crying alone in the shower. Staring into space. My appetite has completely gone.
I’m sad to my bones . . . I can’t shake it, no matter how hard I try.
I feel the loss of my life. Of who I was. The life I had.
I miss me.
I want to make my life here with my Christopher.
I love him more than anything. I would walk to the end of the earth if it meant that we were together . . . and it feels like I have.
But all he does is work, even on weekends. And I know this isn’t his fault; this is what he does. He’s trying his hardest. I know he is.
I need to snap myself out of this because I want to love it here. I want to feel excited to wake up. I want to support him and make friends, but as soon as I walk out that door, I’m followed by photographers, and it’s all too hard . . . so I just stay home. It’s easier that way.
But I feel lost in a concrete jungle.
I need the sun. To feel the warmth on my skin, the wind in my hair.
The grass beneath my feet.
Fresh air . . .
Cows.
My eyes well with tears, which then break the dam to slowly roll down my face. I angrily wipe them away. I need to stop this. Cut it out already. This isn’t helping anyone, least of all me.
Buzz, buzz . . . buzz, buzz . . .
My phone sounds. I close my eyes, unable to answer it.
I know it’s Christopher, and I know that he will hear the tears in my voice and come rushing home . . . just like he did yesterday.
No matter how hard he tries, no matter how much we love each other, he can’t fix my problem.
I miss my home.
Chapter 28
CHRISTOPHER
I exhale heavily as I stare at my computer screen. I glance at my phone as it sits on the desk. I should call Hayden.
No.
You’ve called her already today.
I go back to trying to focus. The numbers all jumble on my screen.
Just a quick call.
No.