And she knew it.
I had to. I couldn’t help it. I had to dissociate so that I could go through with it.
In that moment I needed her body, and I couldn’t bear needing her.
It was better if I pretended that we weren’t breaking each other’s hearts in the shower that night.
It was better that we pretended we didn’t know each other.
So why does it feel so bad?
Like my whole world is coming to an end.
I regret losing her. I regret just fucking her more.
I only make love to Hayden Whitmore, nothing more and nothing less.
Why we went there, I don’t know.
Maybe I’m broken now? Maybe casual sex is ruined forever?
I keep seeing the way she looked up at me, the heartbreak behind her eyes.
She knew. She knew that in that moment, she could have been anyone.
I only did it to try to protect my broken heart.
Didn’t work . . .
I can’t leave it like this. I have to apologize for being so cold.
The guilt is killing me.
I dial her number, and I close my eyes as it rings.
“Hello . . . ,” she answers.
I get a lump in my throat, and I stay on the line, shocked that the sound of her voice can affect me so much. “Hi, Hayden,” I eventually push out.
She stays silent, waiting for me to say something.
“Hayz.” I try to articulate what I want to say. “I rang to apologize.”
“For what?”
“My behavior in the shower that night.”
Silence . . .
“I just . . .” My vision blurs with tears. “I had to block you out.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m angry at you for breaking my heart.”
“Chris . . . ,” she says softly.
“And I feel terrible, and I can’t forgive myself for it, and I know that’s not how we are. You didn’t deserve it.”
“It’s okay,” she whispers, and I can tell that she’s crying.
“I just . . .” I screw up my face. “I just miss you . . .”
“I know, baby. Me too.”
This isn’t helping anything. “I have to go,” I blurt out.
“Christopher—”
“Goodbye.” I cut her off before hanging up the phone.
I put my head into my hands. Devastation doesn’t come close.
HAYDEN
I sit at breakfast and sip my coffee as Eddie tells me in great detail all about his shift behind the bar last night. “And then this other guy threw ice, and it started another fight.” He continues on with the huge elaborate story.
I smile as I listen. I never realized how much of a chatterbox he is, or perhaps it’s just that I’m only now noticing it because we are spending so much time together.
It’s been two weeks since Christopher left, and it’s been nice having one-on-one precious time with Eddie.
I glance at my watch. Christopher will call him soon. He does every morning, and at the end of their conversation, he will ask to speak to me.
And the five-minute conversation I have with him will make my entire day.