‘When would we go?’ I ask, buying myself a few seconds to think.
‘The twenty-third. Day after tomorrow. The deal should be all wrapped up by then so it works for me.’
A palatable excuse drops into my mind and relief floods my body. ‘Ah, damn, we can’t. That’s the day of the scan. The twelve-week scan. We need to be in the city for it, remember?’
He tilts his head as if I’m joking. ‘Yeah, but the scan’s only in the morning. We’ll drive out of town after. It’s not like we had big Christmas plans anyway. Or are you thinking we should maybe put a bit of distance between them and us? Because that’s fine too. I can just call Mom and tell her we’re doing our own thing?’
I have to physically stop myself from leaping up and kissing him in gratitude. But the relief is short-lived because I know there is no getting away from Robert. He knows what he knows and if Edward says we’re not coming, his family will think I have stopped playing ball, and Robert will know I am scared of him. He will know I have listened to his tape.
My mind flies through my options and comes up blank. There is no excuse that won’t sound like I’m running scared.
‘Is there something you want to tell me?’ Edward asks, after I fail to reply. ‘Did one of them do something, say something, while I was away? Was it Matty? Fiona? Dad?’
I search his eyes, careful not to react to any one name. ‘Why do you ask?’ I answer, trying to gauge how much he knows of anything.
‘I don’t know. Has someone upset you?’
‘No. I just, I’m sorry, I’m just not over our last visit yet, Edward. I don’t want you to upset them, or tell them I don’t want to go, but I just can’t do anything like that game again,’ I say. It’s risky but worth a shot; perhaps he can think up an excuse to give them for me.
‘You don’t need to worry about that. Christmas won’t be anything like Krampusnacht. No one is going to make you join in any of our weird family stuff if you don’t want to, okay? Besides, everyone will know you’re pregnant by then. We’ll tell them as soon as we get there. You won’t have to lift a finger. This way, Christmas, everything, is done for us – zero effort; festivities covered. We don’t have to decorate, cook, clean up. Sounds pretty good, right? We don’t have to live in their pockets either. We usually only get together for meals and drinks. It’s a big place. The rest of the time we’ll do our own thing,’ he says, then lets out a surprised laugh. ‘And if you want to go at any point, we go.’
I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?
I find myself wondering if the fact I’m pregnant will change Robert’s plans for me, because one thing is for sure: I will not be able to avoid him at The Hydes.
30 Bigger Fish to Fry
10:34
Wednesday 21 December
While Edward showers and changes for work, I set about preparing for Christmas at The Hydes.
Carefully listening for sounds from the shower room along the hall, I roll the combination lock on my suitcase and relocate the tape player to its old hiding place under my side of the mattress.
I fill my now empty case with travel essentials, then turn towards my wardrobe to examine what clothes I own that might in some way be appropriate for a Holbeck family Christmas.
I pull out the ridiculously expensive emerald green slip dress I wore the night I met Edward, its silk like liquid in my hands as I hold it up to myself. Perhaps too much, but who’s to say. If the Holbecks don’t dress up for Christmas, then who does? And who’s to say I’ll last that long anyway?
I carefully fold and pack it. Three nights of festivities; who knows what will happen?
I inspect the best of what I have as I play Robert’s words back in my mind. His description of the day I lost my family is achingly redolent. He is so far ahead of me in this game, I wonder if it might ever be possible to catch up.