"And if the gods are kind to me I never will,” Gaius returned abruptly to the present and sat up. His father looked pained.
"Now, how could it possibly hurt you,” Macellius inquired, obviously holding on to his temper, "just to see the girl? I think she’s already fifteen years old.”
"Father, I know she’s marriageable. How stupid do you think I am, anyway?”
His father only smiled. "I haven’t said a word about marrying her.”
"You don’t have to,” Gaius said sullenly. If he could not have Eilan, he was damned if he would marry any woman in Britain—let alone one his father suggested.
"You don’t have to be rude,” his father said. "As a matter of fact, I was thinking of spending the holidays in Londinium, and—”
"Well, I wasn’t,” Gaius said, no longer caring what his father thought of his manners. He did not know where he would go but it would be as far away from Londinium as he could possibly get.
"I hope you’re not thinking of that British girl again,” Macellius commented, almost, Gaius thought, as if his father were reading his mind. If only he had left it at that. But Macellius went on to say, "I’m sure you’ve had the sense to put her out of your mind for good and all.”
And that decided him. "As a matter of fact,” he said deliberately, "I was thinking of going to see Clotinus.” It had been after staying with the British lord, after all, that he had first met Eilan, and he could at least enjoy the memories.
Gaius enjoyed the trip southward, thinking of Eilan, and of Cynric who might have been his friend and was lost to him, through no fault of their own. Spring was advancing like a conquering army, and the weather was beautiful; mornings clear and cold, making him glad to be warmly clad, and days warm, bright and almost dry except for a sprinkle of soft rain late in the day. Clotinus greeted him gladly and welcomed him, and although Gaius knew it was mostly that Clotinus wished to keep on the best of terms with the powerful Romans, he enjoyed it anyway. Gwenna had gone away to be married, so there was no one to trouble him.
The household of Clotinus, he realized, was not at all a bad place to spend a vacation. The food was good, and even Clotinus’s remaining daughter, only twelve or so, was good company, and sympathetic enough when he told her that his father had tried to arrange a marriage for him with an unknown. She might well have been offering to console him on some subtle level but Gaius remembered—not before time, he thought—what his father had said about entangling himself with native women. If the girl was sending him any wordless signals, he pretended not to notice them.
But except for prayers dimly directed at Venus, he could think of no way to approach Eilan. In sleep he ground himself against his blankets, moaning, and waking, knew that it was of Eilan that he had dreamed.
I love her, he thought in self-pity, when the hopelessness of his situation overwhelmed him. It isn’t as if I meant to seduce and abandon the girl. I’d be happy to marry her if I could get the permission of all the people who seem to have made it their business to control our lives. After all, he was twenty-three, and an officer—though a very minor one—in his Legion. If that did not make him old enough to marry at his own will, how old would he have to be?
One day when he was riding out under the excuse of hunting, he found himself traveling past the burned-out walls that once had been the house of Bendeigid, and he realized he must be somewhere in the vicinity of the Forest House. His leg ached a bit as he remembered the boar pit—it seemed to him very long ago—and the first time he had ever laid eyes on Eilan.
I cannot stay here…he thought suddenly. Every tree and stone will bring back painful memories. He had thought he could bear it. Certainly seeing old Ardanos from time to time in Deva had not troubled his peace. Perhaps he should ride south to visit his mother’s people. It would not please Macellius, but he did not much care to please his father just now.