Wetness dribbles down my cheeks and I swipe the tears away with an angry hand. Great. I’m crying in public. You would’ve thought I cried all my tears at Beau’s memorial. That was hideously brutal.
I knew it was a bad idea to study at Starbucks today, considering how hormonal I’ve been lately, but I didn’t want to be at home in case I finally worked up the nerve to call the clinic. I still haven’t told Nana about the pregnancy and I didn’t want her accidentally on purpose finding out.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m completely without direction. I haven’t seen Tucker since our day in the park, and I stopped answering his texts about a week ago. These days, I can’t focus on anything other than the impending decision that’s hanging over my head.
And it’s not just Tucker I’ve been ducking. I’ve only been to one weekly lunch with Hope and Carin since Beau’s death. I’ve blamed it on increased work hours, but I don’t think they’re buying it.
“Sabrina?”
My head jerks up. Joanna Maxwell is standing in front of my table. She’s got a cup of coffee in one hand and a stylish white clutch in the other. Draped in a royal-blue wool coat, she looks every inch the Broadway star that she’s going to be.
“Joanna.” I leap to my feet and give her a hug. “How are you?” Her bones feel about as sturdy as twigs in my embrace. I give her another squeeze before letting her go.
She smiles wanly. “Okay.”
“What are you doing in Boston? Is your show traveling?”
“No, it’s still playing in Manhattan.” A slow flush creeps up her neck. “I…ah…quit.”
Shock silences me for a second. “You quit?”
“Yes. I had an opportunity to do something else and I took it.” Her words are a mixture of defiance and embarrassment, as if she’s tired of having to justify her choices, which she certainly doesn’t have to do with me.
“Well, good for you.” But I’m confused, because when I hung out with Beau, he said that Broadway was Joanna’s dream.
“Right? I’m young, so if there’s ever a time for me to try new things, it’s right now.”
Trying new things terrifies me, but I nod anyway because I’m not the girl who lost her beloved brother.
I’m just the girl who’s knocked up.
“Absolutely. What are you doing?”
“I’m cutting a demo,” she admits.
I’m not part of the Briar arts crowd, so I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Oh. Cool.”
The bewilderment must show on my face, because Joanna adds, “It’s pretty much a sample that I can send to various A&R people in the industry. They listen to it, and, hopefully, someone signs me and I get a record deal. If that doesn’t work, I’ll sing covers and post them on YouTube, maybe try to gain visibility that way. It’s all kind of up in the air.”
“That’s great,” I tell her, but in my head, I don’t understand.
Why in the world would anyone leave a paying singing gig for something that seems risky as hell? If I had a good job right now, maybe I’d keep this baby. I think that if I’d gotten pregnant at the end of law school instead of the beginning, I’d view things differently.
“It’s terrifying, actually. I had to get a job waiting tables, which I’ve never done before. But there’s no other way to pay my bills. And by leaving Broadway now, I might never be able to go back.”
“I, ah, I—” I stutter. The potential of losing everything I planned for all my life because of this pregnancy has paralyzed me. Joanna sounds like she purposely jumped off a cliff with no safety net. “I hope you follow your dream,” I finish lamely.
“That’s exactly what I’m doing.” She sighs. “And despite what my parents believe, I’m not having an existential crisis because Beau died. In fact, he’d totally be on board with this, don’t you think?”
Beau loved his sister, so yeah, if this made her happy, then he would have supported her. “He’d want you to be happy,” I agree.
Joanna bites her lower lip. “Did you know that Beau didn’t really want to go pro? I mean, the team sucked last year and he had offers to go to other schools, maybe win another championship. That would’ve put him in a better position to be drafted, but he loved his team and he wasn’t interested in playing at the next level. Beau was all about being happy.” She starts to choke up, and I pray to God those tears don’t spill over, because if she cries, I’m going to start sobbing too.