“Sometimes,” she says in response to my question. “Sometimes I do, and sometimes I’m glad that I don’t. I’ve been the special auntie to my brother’s three kids, and that’s filled most of my mothering instincts. I have my students, and that’s tremendously fulfilling, but I won’t lie and say I haven’t wondered what it would be like to have a child of my own.”
“Do you think I can do it? Have a kid and make it through Harvard?”
She makes a small, sad sound at the back of her throat. “I don’t know. Your first year is time-consuming and overwhelming, but you’re very smart, Sabrina. If there was anyone who could do this, it would be you. But it may mean sacrifices. Maybe you don’t graduate summa cum laude—”
I wince, because being at the top of my law school class is definitely one of my goals.
“Or Law Review—”
I swallow a moan of dismay.
“—But you’ll still be a Harvard grad. I have no doubt about that.” She pauses. “What does the father say?”
“It’s up to me. He supports me either way.”
The smile that spreads is genuine. “Ah, you’ve got a good one then.”
I do. Tucker has been very good to me, and that’s part of the problem. If I keep this baby, I’m impacting his life in a thousand different ways—and not all of them are good.
“I’m sure you’ll make the right decision, whatever it is.”
“Thanks.” I push to my feet. “I know that this is weird, me coming to you, but my mom…” I trail off.
“I’m glad you came to me,” Professor Gibson says firmly.
I thank her again and leave the office. I know I should talk to my girls, but they’ll say the same things as Professor Gibson. In fact, the reason I went to her was because I thought for sure she’d tell me to get the abortion.
Five minutes later, I sit in my car, staring unseeingly at the dashboard. I miss my mom right now. She was hardly ever around and we weren’t close, but she’s still my mother and I wish she were here. I want to know why she kept me when she clearly didn’t want me in her life.
When I get home, I pull out a sheet of paper and start listing the pros and cons. Halfway through the cons, I tear the sheet in half and throw it away.
My answer has been there all along. I didn’t need to see Joanna, or Professor Gibson, or commune with my absentee mother. The fact is, I haven’t scheduled the abortion because I don’t want to get one. It might be the best option, but I’ve spent my whole life feeling unwanted.
I tuck a protective hand over my still-flat stomach. A smarter girl would get the procedure done, but I’m not that smart girl. Not today.
Today, I’m keeping it.
23
Sabrina
I lie in wait outside Tucker’s eleven o’clock class. Rather than ask him when we could meet up, I stalked him online and found a post on the Briar YikYak that had all of the players’ schedules. That’s not creepy.
As students stream out of the ivy-covered building, I recognize maybe one in thirty, if that. My time at Briar is coming to the end, and I don’t have much to show for it. Some kids graduate with a raft of friends that they carry into their postgraduate life. Me? I’ve got my degree, Carin, and Hope. And now a baby. I guess the baby outweighs the entire sisterhood of a sorority.
Tucker strolls out with Garrett Graham. They’re both gorgeous, but Tucker is the one who commands my attention. Not that Graham isn’t good-looking, but Tucker’s all I see. He shaved his beard. I don’t know how I feel about that—I liked the beard—but I can’t deny that his clean-shaven face is equally appealing. He’s got a dimple in his chin that was hidden by all the scruff. God, I want to explore that dimple with my tongue.
The rest of him is equally tempting. He’s wearing a tight, long-sleeve knit shirt with one corner tucked into the side of his jeans. A pair of sunglasses is perched on the top of his auburn head, which is thrown back as he laughs at something Graham is murmuring out of the corner of his mouth. Behind them trails a line of hungry girls who desperately want the attention of these guys. But they’re both more interested in exchanging quips than scoping out the women.
A flutter of relief washes over me. Since the night at the hotel, we haven’t slept together. There was the pregnancy discovery and then Beau’s death and then Beau’s memorial and then…nothing really. My head hasn’t been in a good place since New Year’s.