“It was so late,” Hannah remembers. “It was utterly stupid, the bar was never going to let her back in. I suppose she thought we’d all carry on drinking in our room or something.”
“But she didn’t return,” Hugh says. “So you said you were going up to find her, and I said I’d come too. We walked across the quad, and just as we were about to get to your stairs, you saw Neville coming out.”
“You didn’t see him?”
“I saw someone who looked a lot like Neville, but I didn’t see him coming out of your staircase,” Hugh says. “But you did—and you saw it before you knew there was anything going on. And besides, he admitted being up there, didn’t he? Don’t start second-guessing yourself now.”
“I’m not,” Hannah says. “I mean—I am—but not like that. I don’t want you to think I’m looking for holes in my own memories, not exactly, I just want… I just want to be sure—do you know what I mean? I want to see it from another perspective, see something that I might have missed. Does that make sense?”
Hugh nods.
“Well, then, what happened next?” Hannah asks.
“Well…” Hugh says slowly. He takes another sip of his wine. She has the impression he is steadying himself, steeling himself to answer. “After that… you went up the stairs. And I waited. I was just about to walk away when I heard you cry out. I knew it couldn’t be Neville, we’d seen him leave, or at least you had, but you sounded… you sounded really scared. I knew something was wrong, I can’t explain it. I ran up the stairs, the door was open, and you were inside, on your knees, leaning over—” He swallows. His face in the candlelight looks suddenly much older. “Over April’s body.”
“You knew she was dead?” Hannah whispers. Her throat feels dry, but she doesn’t raise the Orangina to her lips. She doesn’t think she would be able to swallow it. Hugh shakes his head.
“Not at first. I mean—I wasn’t sure. She looked an odd color, but that could have just been the remains of the makeup. She was—” He chokes suddenly. “She was still wearing her wig.” He puts a hand to his face, over his eyes, as if he can’t bear to look all of a sudden. “I always wondered—” and again, he swallows, and then stops.
“What?” Hannah says. She is puzzled. She has heard Hugh’s story before, but not this detail. What has he wondered?
“I always wondered,” Hugh says softly, “if he thought she was you.”
Hannah feels suddenly cold.
“What do you mean?”
“April had short blond hair. Back then you had long dark hair. And the lights were very dim, it was just that one lamp in the corner burning.”
Hannah nods. She knows the lamp Hugh means, it was the one with the rose-colored shade, the one they always left on when they left the set, so that they didn’t have to come back to a dark room.
“I always wondered if Neville walked in, saw a girl with dark hair and thought… and thought…”
“You mean, he meant to kill me?” Hannah says. Her lips are dry and her hands feel suddenly cold, as if all the blood has drained out of them.
“You had just reported him to the college authorities,” Hugh says miserably. “Hadn’t you? I’ve always wondered…”
“Oh my God,” Hannah says. She picks up her glass and takes a sip of her drink, trying to cover her shaking hands. “You mean… you mean she might have died because of what I did?”
“No,” Hugh says forcefully. He leans across the table, takes Hannah’s free hand in his. His hands are large, capable, and bony, and very strong. They are surgeon’s hands. “That’s not what I’m saying. Whoever killed April, it was their fault, Hannah, not yours. Don’t let yourself get sucked into that narrative. But I’ve always wondered, if you had gone up first…”
“Oh my God,” Hannah says again. She feels sick.
“That’s what I meant. Don’t let yourself get caught up in what-ifs. That way madness lies.”
“I just want to know,” Hannah says. She swallows against the dryness in her throat. “I just want to know what happened. I don’t remember what happened after that. I remember you doing mouth-to-mouth—”
She puts her hand to her head, as if she can press the memories back into place, remembering the sound of Hugh’s feet on the stairs, Hugh dropping to his knees beside April.