“But he was already gone. And it was our fault. He’d been brave enough to be honest with us about the way the world works, to offer us refuge, and we’d run away and twisted him to other people. I’ll never forget your face when you saw the empty house. It was one of the worst days of my life, but you were so happy. I felt alone, like I lived in a world by myself. It was exactly how Don said we’d feel if we ever left him.
“I forced myself to keep hope alive that I’d find him. I knew I had to wait for graduation, when you’d leave. So I agreed to all the promises that made you happy. On graduation day, I could feel the noose loosening. With every step you took away from me, I could feel myself starting to breathe again. As soon as you drove away with your mom, I launched into motion.
“It was exciting at first, like I was a detective. A grown-up Nancy Drew. I remembered everything Don told me, places he’d been, restaurants he’d liked. There weren’t many clues, because you know he didn’t like to talk about himself. But I bought a car with the rest of the money from my dad’s life insurance and drove all over the state, searching.
“Months went by without leads. I was living out of my car, at the end of my rope. Then one night when it started getting cold again, it hit me how stupid I was. There was no way Don had left the Hudson Valley forever. The business he’d been building was here.
“Don’t look at me like that. There’s no way you forgot the men he used to bring home. He was building a network of people who shared certain desires, who could help each other, do each other favors. I guess you were kind of oblivious back then—always in your head—but Clem and I saw exactly how ambitious Don was. Nights when she and I were alone, we used to talk about it, try to guess what he was planning. Clem got scared. I think that’s why she was so desperate to leave. I really wish she hadn’t gotten so worked up about it.
“Anyway, I realized Don must be lying low, making sure there was no blowback after we ran, and it would only be a matter of time. I had to be patient and keep my ear to the ground. In the meantime, I needed money and an excuse to stay in Don’s social circle, to watch the men he’d make contact with whenever he came back. Catering seemed like a good solution—always at fancy private parties. I found the most high-end one and begged them to hire me.
“It took so long for something to happen. I can’t tell you how excruciatingly lonely I was every day, nothing to fill my time but fantasies about the future. I’d rented a little apartment, and I used to walk around daydreaming. Sometimes hours would go by and I’d find myself standing stock-still, staring into space. That’s how hard I was trying to live with Don in my head.
“Then one day the catering firm got a job at the Hudson Mansion. I’d been interested in it because it was the exact kind of place Don would go, but they didn’t like people sniffing around. I finally had an excuse to be there, and sure enough, not even an hour goes by, and who do I see standing across the room, drinking champagne? Mr. X.
“I can tell by your face that you remember him. I was so afraid he’d leave the party before I was done with work that I quit on the spot and cornered him on his way to the bathroom. He didn’t recognize me. Can you believe that? I had to show him a picture I kept in my wallet, one with you, me, Clem, and Rachel. He remembered you immediately. He turned white as a sheet, told me to get the fuck away, that his family was there, that it was just a onetime thing, a mistake.
“I begged him to bring me to Don, but he swore he hadn’t seen Don in over a year. I thought my heart would break. But then he said there was a new place for people who liked the sort of things we did. He wrote the name on the back of my picture. Tongue-Cut Sparrow. Said it was right under our feet in the Mansion itself.
“The first night I went to the Sparrow, I knew I’d find Don there eventually. It was his kind of place. I could almost feel him there. I just needed to keep putting myself out there, offering what he’d be looking for. So I started selling myself. It was good money, far better than I’d gotten catering, and it almost scratched the itch, that feeling I used to get with Don.