“I need to be able to see your hands, sweetheart,” one of the nurses says.
Cesar puts his hands flat on the table without picking up his head. He’s taking deep breaths, like he’s trying to calm himself down. I get why, but I hate that we can’t have our moment in peace right now. I glare at the nurse, even though I know it’s not her fault. Why can’t it be someone’s fault? We’re all just trying to keep him alive. Cesar wipes his eyes and nose.
“You want me to jump that nurse for you?” I say, because if Cesar isn’t going to break the tension with his usual jokes, I will. He chokes on his laugh.
“No. I want you to tell me how you came out to Bo.” He turns his head and takes a Taki from the bag. Things might not be back to normal anytime soon, but he’s eating his favorite food and gossiping about my love life, so I know we’re on the right track.
After our visit, Mom goes out for a long walk, and doesn’t come back for another hour or so. I know she’s just trying to avoid me. I want to keep away from her, too, but I told myself I would come out to her before Cesar got home. He said he’d be back tomorrow, so I should do it now.
“Siéntate, mija. I want to talk to you,” she says right when she walks in the door.
“Me too,” I say, trying not to let the lump in my throat downplay the fake confidence in my voice. I sit at the table and so does she. I start stroking my hair. She’s the one who usually strokes my hair when I’m anxious, but I obviously can’t ask her to do that right now.
We both speak at the same time.
“I’m sorry, mija—”
“I like girls—”
She closes her eyes. “What?”
I straighten up and speak with more confidence. “Mami, I’m lesbian.”
I think it’s the first time I ever used that word to describe myself, and I like how it feels.
“Okay.” She pinches the bridge of her nose. I expect some kind of lecture, but she doesn’t say anything.
“Are you, um . . . okay with that?”
“Mija, get me a glass of water, will you?”
A weird request, but I do it, then sit across from her. She drinks the whole glass before saying anything.
“Ay Dios mío, all of my children.”
I shift in my chair.
“How long have you known this?” she asks.
“I don’t know. A long time, I think.” Maybe it hasn’t been that long, but I don’t want to say it’s only been a couple of years and have her tell me it’s a phase. I guess I figured it out with Bianca. “Look, I already found an apartment for me and Cesar. If you want us out, just tell me now so I know if I need to—”
“Mija . . .” Mom puts her hands on the table toward me, palms up. The gesture makes my eyes spicy. I take her hands and she squeezes mine. “Please don’t leave. . . .” She doesn’t bother wiping the tears falling from hers.
“Okay, Mami,” I whisper. I don’t wipe my own because it feels better to hold her hands. I’m so surprised I can’t think straight. She wants us to stay. . . .
“I know I said some stupid shit to you and your brother over the years.” She shakes her head and rubs the backs of my hands with her thumbs. “？Sabes qué? I don’t care if you’re bisexual, gay, whatever. I just want you to talk to me. I didn’t know. How could I have known when you don’t talk to me? Neither of you. I have to find out from your brother after he almost . . .” She pulls a hand away from mine to cover her mouth. I can’t believe how much I relate to her right now. I guess I understand why Cesar hasn’t talked to me, if it feels anything like talking to Mami.