It’s the first time I’ve been back in this house since winter break, and I notice that they’ve listened to Bo and taken down most of the Chinese decorations since then. I’m glad they’re giving her the space to do her own exploring on her own terms.
Emma lets me use their study to work, and Bo sneaks in for some quick kisses every chance she gets. Her parents won’t let her hang out in there with me, because they know I’ll get distracted. But I don’t think they know me and Bo like each other, so it’s kind of fun sneaking kisses whenever they aren’t looking. It feels like we’re secret agents again, except this time the mission is to be cute and do couple things like kissing and holding hands. Sometimes all she has to do is give me this look when no one can see, and my insides turn to mush.
She never tries anything cute at school, though. She knows it’s up to me when I come out there, so she’s not trying to push it. I’m the one getting impatient with myself. Sneaky kisses and secret affections are exciting, but I’m ready to do it for real. I want to tell my mom, and Bo’s parents, and the whole school, and everyone how into Bo I am. The reason I never wanted to be completely out before was self-preservation, but now that Mom and Dad know, the worst has already passed. I’m not getting kicked out or disowned. It sucks that my dad isn’t talking to me, but that’s the worst that could happen at this point. I know my friends will be fine with it, since they’re fine with Bo.
I also want to prove to Cesar, and to Bo, that I’m not ashamed. I don’t want Cesar to feel like he has to come out, but maybe me being out will make it easier on him when and if he decides to do it.
No one can hurt me the way my dad or Bianca did anymore. I’m ready.
As soon as I get home, I start plotting. It’s decided. I’m going to ask her out. Officially. Not yet, but it’s going to happen. I just have to figure out how to do it. Cesar is my go-to advice giver, and I’m too excited to wait for him to finish his homework.
“Yo, Cesar, you got a minute?” As soon as I walk in, he shoves something into his pocket, but I notice. “Uh, what’s that?”
“What did you want to tell me?” He’s a master subject changer, but I’m not falling for it. He also can’t resist some good chisme, so I’ll use his weaknesses against him.
“It has to do with Bo. . . .” I pause to gauge his reaction. He raises his eyebrows. He’s taking the bait. “You first, though. What’s in your pocket?”
He squints at me. “Oh, you’re good. You’re real good.”
“I know. So what are you trying to hide?”
He sighs and pulls the ring Jamal gave him out of his pocket. “I know I should give it back. . . .”
“You don’t have to do it right away. You can wait until you’re ready to face him,” I say.
“It’s been months, though.”
“So what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I don’t deserve to keep this. I was too ashamed of myself to wear it when I had the chance.” He fidgets with the ring in his hand. I get why he doesn’t want to give it back. Giving the ring back means the relationship is really over. Jamal still loves him, and Cesar obviously still loves Jamal. He just has some self-acceptance to grow into.
“Are you still ashamed of yourself?” I ask, praying for an answer that doesn’t hurt.
“I’m working on that.” He shrugs. It’s better than a flat-out yes, but it hurts to know he’s struggling with that shame. “Anyways,” Cesar says, “what happened with Bo?”
“Wait, first—are you okay?” Even though I want to talk about Bo, I don’t want to let him deflect the conversation that easily. I sit on his bed and assume the heart-to-heart position, but he doesn’t move from his desk.